I have SURVIVED!

I have survived a needle punch biopsy.
I have survived the waiting.
I have survived "the call" with the diagnosis.
I have survived losing all my hair.

I have survived 2 MUGA Scans.
I have survived a Breast MRI.
I have survived PORT surgery.
I have survived 6 rounds of Taxotere, Cytoxan and Perjeta.
I have survived 23 weeks of Herceptin.
I have survived 6 Nuelasta shots.

I have survived 3 blood transfusions.
I have survived 10 blood draws.
I have survived 33 needle pokes.
I have survived a mammogram.

I have survived a guide hook wire procedure.
I have survived 2 major surgeries.
I have survived 5 days in the hospital, without my children.
I have survived the loss of my breast (and implant).

I have survived 32 prescriptions (not including over the counter and hospital meds).
I have survived 32 doctors and specialists appointments.
I have survived the countless hours in a waiting room, the side effects and the tears.
I have survived the "whys" and the "what ifs".

I have the scars, both emotional and physical, to prove I have SURVIVED!

These last 6 months have been a blur.  At times, the days seem to pass by so fast
and at other times it seems to stand still. 
I am ready for this year to be over and excited for the new things that await in 2015.
Thank you again to everyone who has helped me and my family on this journey.
I wish you all happiness and health in the new year.

Not One

I don't have any doctors appointments this whole week, not one!  That hasn't happened since my diagnosis in June.  Whatever will I do...  oh wait the kids are out of school all week.

Overwhelmed with Love

When I used to work, every year we would find a family in need and do a Sub for Santa for them.  I never thought, in a million years that I would be on the receiving end of one of them.  Of course when I was told about the idea, I politely declined.  But they went ahead anyways.  The other weekend my father in law delivered the presents.  Everyone kept carrying in box after box and all I could do was sit down and cry.  I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of love.  Ryan walked in a saw me crying and joking said, "It sucks to be loved."  He always knows how to make me smile.  I don't even know these people.  (It is my sister's husband’s sister's work - if you could follow that)  They bought tons of present for the kids, lots gift cards for Ryan and I, cash, a box called movie night with all kinds of goodies and movies, even a box full of food for Christmas dinner!! 
Then a few days ago, the bishop brought by a bag with a present for everyone in the family. Add that to the friends, neighbors and family presents.  My living room has exploded with gifts!   I feel so fortunate that there are these amazing, caring people out there and thought about me and my family.  I will never be able to say it enough - thank you. 
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 














This is also in addition to the You Caring website that is still up and helping with all the medical bills. 

Plus about 2 weeks ago my mother in law came down to visit.  The first thing she did was hand me a card.  Inside was full of cash and dozens of sweet notes and words of support and encouragement.  Her whole office and the surrounding offices surprised her and did this.   Wow.  I really am at a loss for words.

People are amazing!! 

We got spoiled.




















I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

 

What's Next

For the month of December:
2 major surgeries
2 little chemo treatments
7 doctor appointments
Another heart scan
and ...
I am not sure what else. 

I still need to meet with the radiologist.
Radiation should start in January, hopefully on the 18th. 

I have started meeting with the lymphedema specialist who will hopefully help me get better function back in my right arm.

I am told not to think about reconstruction for at least a year.

I am so torn between my feelings. 
Honestly I don't know what to feel. 
I am grateful...
but I also feel robbed not being able to nurse Gage.  Or hold him on my chest. Hell I am not even supposed to pick him up.
But I am still here and I am still fighting.  I don't have a boob, so what. 
My family, kids and friends give me strength and the will to keeping pushing.
I am getting there... slowly, a day at a time.

A few days ago was hard.  Really hard.  I really looked at my scar for the first time.  I kinda wish I hadn't.  I really wish I hadn't. 
Truthfully it scares me.  I can't explain how or why.  I hope in time I will get used to it. Just need more time again.

 While playing on the internet I found these cool quotes about scars:

"I think scars are like battle wound - beautiful, in a way.  They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it."  - Demi Lavato

"Scars should remind you of where you've been. But they don't have to dictate where you're going.

"Scars are tattoos with better stories"

"Just because the scars have healed, doesn't mean that the pain has"

And my favorite:

 

"Never be ashamed of a scar.  It simply means you were stronger that whatever tried to hurt you."

 

 

Sometimes I feel like this journey just keeps getting longer and I am pushed into the next phase before I have fully processed the last one.  After everything I have been through, I still have a hard time believing this is my life.  I am struggling to find the new normal when I want what used to be so bad.

I AM CLEAR...

I got a call from my surgeon today. 
The pathology from the second surgery came back, "Kimberly I can technically say your margins are clear!!!" 
Some cancer cells were found the extra tissue they took but no cancer cells were found in the extra muscle. 
1 of the 5 lymph nodes have cancer cells but they are not going to remove anymore - just radiate the site more.
Sigh of relief.

Stolen Light

The month of November:

Most of my taste buds have returned and food is starting to taste normal.
Only 2 little chemo treatments.
2 blood draws for labs and 1 blood transfusion.
Five doctor appointments.
And a mammogram.

Thanksgiving at the farm was wonderful.  I tried not to think about what was around the corner and just enjoyed the day.  Hanging out and playing with all the family.  Ryan even got to help birth a baby calf.  My mom let him have naming rights - Penny is cute and has black curly hair like Ryan!

Then is was time to go home.

 Reality was coming.

Monday, Dec 1st was crazy!!  I had a list a mile long of things that I wanted to get done, knowing the next day was surgery and I had no idea what to expect for recovery time and mobility after.  Tons of errands, buying supplies for after surgery - bras, pillows, and shirts that buttoned up the front so I could dress myself. Plus getting groceries so there would be some food in the house, talking to the kid's teachers to let them know what was going on and finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping.  Oh, and a small chemo treatment.  I was so tired by the end of the day! 

I couldn't sleep, in fact I held Gage on my chest and watched him sleep all night.

The morning came way too soon.

I had to be at the hospital at 6:45am.  

This surgery was happening. 

After the previous month's appointment with my 2 surgeons I had mostly come to terms with having a mastectomy because they were going to be able to save some of the surface tissue and put the permanent implant straight in.  I was actually seeing a little glimmer of light - a positive outcome to all that I had been through so far.  I wouldn't have to endure the 6 months to a year with painful tissue expanders and I wasn't going to have to come home ... well, flat.

I checked into the hospital about 7am.  First they got my in my fancy gown and IV in.  Then I headed procedure - it wasn't.  It took over an hour because of the where and the angle of the tumor and it hurt.  I will spare you most of the details but imagine a mammogram lasting an hour, numerous shots around the tumor (my breast) to numb it so they could stick big wires through my breast to mark the original size of the tumor before the chemo shrunk some of it.  Then back to the surgery waiting area.   I didn't get into surgery until after one. I was under the impression I would only be in the OR for 3 maybe 4 hours.  To be honest I don't remember much of anything after kissing Ryan goodbye.  A few hours later the first surgeon came out after he was done and talked to my mom and Ryan, he told them the surgery went well. He was able to remove all of what he believed were cancer cells, took out a cluster of 5 lymph nodes, but he also had to cut a nerve that runs down my arm (which may never get feeling back and always be numb).  Then the reconstructive doctor began his work putting in an implant.  It was a lot more involved than I ever thought and I didn't get back to my room until around 7pm.  Again I don't remember much of anything.  Okay, I lie - I remember pain.  A lot.  My mom tells me that every time a nurse asked how I was I couldn't really answer and every breath I took I moaned.  Apparently I got multiple doses of something stronger than morphine, and that wasn't helping so the nurse called my doctor with what to give me next.  I got some morphine.  They were hoping I would be able to eat a little something so they could give me longer lasting pain meds by mouth.  I do remember my mom trying to feed me yogurt and after two or three bites, I told her to get me something to throw up in.  Next I got some nausea meds.  I must have just gone to sleep cause I don't remember anything else about that night.  (My doctor told Ryan I shouldn't remember anything - so apparently Ryan wanted to confess all his darkest secrets, I don't know if he did :)  The next morning I was still pretty groggy and when the reconstructive doctor came in all I could ask was why my sternum hurt and that it was painful to breathe.  So when he put the implant in, he inserted it under the muscle.  Therefor he had the cut the muscle off my collar bone, ribcage and sternum.   He put the implant in and needed a little extra skin so he had to use cadaver skin and stitched it with my muscle to my sternum to give a pocket for the implant.  That is how I kinda understand, I really am not 100% sure all the technically stuff, but it looked good. 

I hurt.

I was trying to eat and at least get up to go to the restroom and walk around the floor a bit.  I opted to stay another night because of the pain. 

That evening my surgeon (the removal one) came by.

He had bad news. 

Pathology came back.  The margins around the tissue were not clean.  Which meant I would have to go back to the OR.  Basically starting over -  cut and remove all the skin that was saved, scrape the muscle, remove the implant, not replace it with anything because there would not be enough skin.   Actually, now they would have to use some of the skin from under my arm/back area to cover the large hole.

I couldn't think about it anymore.

I officially hit my lowest point.  My hope was gone.  I couldn't see the light anymore.

I cried, most of the night.

Thursday morning came with the two surgeons trying to find a time to get me back in the OR as soon as possible.  The second surgery started around 3pm and lasted almost 3 1/2  hours.  Physically this one was so much easier but emotionally I was a mess.  Still am.

I ended up staying in the hospital until Saturday afternoon.  5 days.  Originally it should have only been 1 or 2. 

Thank you to everyone for all the flowers I received.  They all are so different and so beautiful, my house smells like a florist shop.

 I am getting around ok. No lifting more than 10 pounds, can't raise my arm more than 45 degrees plus I get to start doing fancy arm exercises soon.  Physically doing great.  My wonderful mother is still taking care of the household.  The house has never looked better or been cleaner.  She is even getting Gage on a schedule and he is SO much happier!

Ryan has become my nurse.  Changing my bandages, cleaning and draining the fluids from the drain tube, and wrapping me. All while wiping away my tears. 

I haven't brought myself to look at the incision.  But he tells me it looks like the Nike swoosh. 

And he still tells me I am beautiful.

Late - But Still Grateful

Grateful Day 23 - Siblings, parents, in-laws and aunt - You know who you are.  I could not be getting though this without your help.  From meals, to baby sitting to a listening ear - I am grateful for you.

Grateful Day 24 - Good Days and Bad Days - the bad days suck but without them I would not fully appreciate the good ones.

Grateful Day 25 - My Mother - Wow.  I can not begin to thank her enough.  She comes for weeks at a time and takes care of everything!  Running the errands, grocery shopping, fixing dinner, taking care of all the kids and me.  She does all the chores and keeps the house running all while I am taking a nap.  I could not do this without her.  I am forever grateful for her.

Grateful Day 26 - To be here - I read stories every day in the news about women who are dying from breast cancer.  Different types, different stages - but breast cancer none the less.  Some days I struggle, some days I have to just remind myself to breathe and focus on the big picture.  I am sick, I have no hair, no energy - but I am here.  And I am grateful to be here.

Grateful Day 27 - Found - I am grateful my tumor was found when it was. The last month of my pregnancy was incredibly difficult but I would have not wanted it any other way.  If the cancer would have been found sooner, Gage would probably not be here as the chemo treatments most likely make you infertile, or they would have wanted me to abort him, or I would have made the hard decision to risk my life to carry him to term and have the cancer spread before treatment could be started.  It was found the month he was due, diagnosed just day before he was born.  I got to complete my family; a lot of other women don't get that chance.  I am grateful for the timing.

Grateful Day 28 - Gage - Oh that boy has the most amazing smile and it just melts my heart.  He is making this fight worth it and most days he is my saving grace.  I could sit and snuggle that boy all day long, of course he won't sit still for longer than a second now.  One of the hardest things for me to deal with emotionally is the fact that I feel like I got robbed of some of the most wonderful parts of having a newborn.  I was only able to nurse for a week.  I had to leave him to go to doctor appointment, scans, test and surgeries a lot; in fact I left him more in his first 2 weeks of life than I left Abby in her first year.   But I am grateful he is here and he is safe even with me having cancer while pregnant with him.

Grateful Day 29 - Ryan - How could I even function without him?  He is my rock and the most amazing father and husband.  He is the hardest worker I know, and after working all day he still comes home with so much energy.  He plays with the kids, takes care of them, cleans up, does the dishes, helps with the laundry, bathes the kids.... the list goes on and on.  His arms make me feel safe.  He comes with me to all my doctors’ appointments, asks the questions I can't, or don't even think of.  He supports my decisions - whatever they may be.  He is quiet but strong.  He has the best sense of humor and can make me smile when I want to cry.  He has literally seen me at my worst and still tells me I am beautiful.   I am so grateful he is my best friend and husband.

Grateful Day 30 - Numb - This is good for me, not so good for those around me.  After everything that has happened so far, I still feel like I could wake up tomorrow and this would all be a bad dream.  The only way I am getting through this is to be numb to it all.  I am sorry if I don't want to talk about it, or even talk in general.  Some days I just don't want to feel anything.  Being numb is just the way I cope and survive.

Grateful Day 31 - Happening To Me - After watching Alyssa get worse and worse in the hospital, then being life flight-ed, watching her struggle to breath and being too weak to sit up, I am grateful this diagnosis is mine. I would rather have it a thousand times over than to have to watch one of the kids go through this.  I wish I didn't have to worry about them ever developing this disease but at least I know it is not hereditary.  When Alyssa was so sick that was some of the hardest and scariest days of my life, I don't know if I could handle watching one of my kids go through what I have been through.  As crazy stupid as this sounds, I am grateful I am the one who has cancer.

 

Some Days I Don't

Sometimes others can write what I am feeling so much better:

Some days I don’t
Feel like a gift,
Do much,
Go anywhere,
Want to do this.

Some days I don’t
Know how to get out,
Or want to be the brave one,
Be the strong one.

Some days I don’t
Understand quite how I got here,
Care to see where it is going,
Even want to imagine what it will be like after.

Some days I don’t
Have any words,
Or the strength to take them from my head
And put them on a screen.

Some days I don’t
Believe that this is what my life is,
What it has come to,
Or even think I have woken up for the day.

Some days I don’t
Wish to believe the best days are over,
Know if the adventures have ended,
Want to believe that it can be true that they are.

But even on the days I don’t…
Somewhere inside I know I must
Press onward,
For whatever that means,
For right now.
So every day that is just what I do.

Grateful Day 15 - Meds - I have a lot of them.  Some I take every day and some just one in a while or as side effects creep up.  Before this I hardly ever took any medication, maybe for a headache or a sinus cold once in a while.  I swear I have my very own little pharmacy, and I am grateful there are drugs to help alleviate some of the pain.

 

Grateful Day 16 - Scarfs, Hats & Caps - I am not brave, at least not brave enough to go out in public bald.  I am too self-conscious.  I am grateful for all the cute scarfs and caps that I can wear.  I found one style that I love and have bought 6 of them - in all different colors of course.  (I still have not gotten used to the way I look bald, hopefully my hair will start to go in now that I am done with the big chemo’s)

 

Grateful Day 17 - Alyssa - She is so dang cute.  She doesn't really want to hold Gage too much anymore but she will run and get me all the diapers, wipes and binkies I need.  Her bottles and binkies ended so abruptly when she went in the hospital that I think she still misses them.  I miss her being little, but she is so sweet and a great helper, and she just makes me smile.

 

Grateful Day 18 - Chemo Nurses - I have gotten to know a few of them, and they are the best.  Always there to help and listen and answer my thousands of questions.  They are always smiling and they make being at treatment not as bad.

 

Grateful Day 19 - Strangers -   They stop me at Walmart or McDonalds, to ask if I have cancer and if I am going through treatment.  They ask how I am truly doing and then they offer me words of encouragement.  I don't have their names but I am grateful others are out there and willing to share their story.  Grateful for the strangers who want to help.

 

Grateful Day 20 - You Caring Website - If I would have been asked if doing this website was okay, I would have politely said no.  But, I am grateful for it.  I am at a loss for words, so to the family, friends and strangers your contributions have been surprising and greatly appreciated.  (And thanks again to Anji for setting it up)

 

Grateful Day 21 - Taste buds - Oh how I miss them.  I am told they will come back, and they have a little.  When I was in the middle of treatments, everything tasted horrible.  Not just bad but a kind of spoiled and rotten taste.  Now things just taste off and different.  I am glad my taste buds are slowly returning.

 

Grateful Day - 22 Smoothies, Ensures and Mac & Cheese - Without these 3 items, I would not have eaten during chemo.  This is what I survived on.

 

My Nephew's Reflection Entry

I am speechless, and in tears.  The world would be a better place.  Thank you Ty!

  The World Would Be A Better Place If . . .

By Tyson

Broccoli tasted like chocolate

Everyone threw their trash in the garbage

Bullies were kind instead of mean

I scored a goal every play in soccer

My aunt didn’t have cancer

There were no bad drugs

You could get your driver’s license at age eight

Disneyland was free

Little brothers didn’t break things

All kids had a loving family and a dog

Happy

Lets keep the gratefuls going..

Grateful Day 8 - Chemo - Yep you just read that right. Although I would not wish chemo treatments on my worst enemy... it has done its job.  My tumor is less than half of what it was when it was first found!!!!  Yea, you just read that right too.  Plus it helped me lose 50 pounds in 4 months.  (That may sound like a lot but I gained almost 70 with this last pregnancy).  Chemo sucks but I am grateful for it.

Grateful Day 9 - Kaden - I love how positive this kid is.  He is the first to run and get me baby supplies when I need them.   He does his homework and chores without me asking a dozen times.  He is such a good kid.  Love him!

Grateful Day 10 - Side effects or lack of - While I had my fair share of side effects, some easy to deal with, others very painful, I am grateful for the ones I did not get.  Like tons of mouth sores (I only got a few) or losing my finger and toe nails.  I have also heard of random intense itching and the loss of feeling in the fingers and toes.  I feel like I have been very lucky.

Grateful Day 11 - Turkey - the county -  That was a great trip and great timing.  I am so glad I got to have an amazing vacation with my husband before, well before, our life blew up. ( I don't know how else to describe everything that happened since then with Alyssa and me).  It was a wonderful experience, saw amazing places, ate a few things I really didn't know what they were and enjoyed spending time with Ryan.

Grateful Day 12 - Naps - Why did we fight them when we were young.  I love them and honestly would not survive some days without them.  I think I could take multiple naps a day if I could.

Grateful Day 13 - Neighbors - I am amazed how many neighbors volunteered to bring meals over, for months.  They first started when we came home with Alyssa, then continued after I had Gage and kept coming when I started chemo.  Most of  these women I didn't even know.  I am grateful for home cooked meals that I didn't have to cook.

Grateful Day 14 - Friends - I have such amazing friends.  They offer to watch my kids, give me boxes full of goodies and things to make my day better, and offer words of encouragement.  I love getting texts, phone calls, comments on the blog and emails.  Thank you for keeping me going.

Positive

I have been struggling a lot lately.

As the date of my surgery gets closer the more scared, depressed, mad (and a whole bunch of other emotions I can't even describe) I am getting.

Most of these feelings take me to a dark place and if I spend too long thinking about it, I really think I could cry all day...

So this being November, the month of gratitude, I am going to write about 30 things or reasons why I am grateful - related to cancer.

I am already a behind so here it goes....

Grateful Day 1 - Lidocaine Cream - Since I have a port, it means everything I have done, such as blood draws or chemo treatments or blood transfusion or Muga scan contrast, it is injected through my port.  I get stuck with a needle a lot and all in the same spot.  If I remember to put on the lidocaine cream an hour before, it numbs the area and it doesn't hurt as bad.  As of today I have been poked 25 times.  I am grateful for this cream.

Grateful Day 2 - Insurance - Even with the crappy plan we have that hardly covers anything and has a high deductible and max out of pocket, we would be bankrupt without it.  Between Alyssa's hospital stay and life flight and my treatments and upcoming surgeries we will hit well over half a million dollars (maybe more) in medical expenses this year.  But ever since we hit the max out of pocket in July, insurance has been picking up 100% and I love receiving statements that say, "Total Member Responsibility $0.00."

Grateful Day 3 - Social Media and Technology - I am not good about talking about how I feel or to lots of people, so I love being able to blog or Facebook to let everyone know how I am doing and what is going on.  I am grateful for the concerned texts, email, and comments.  This is a lot easier for me, I don't like crying on the phone or in person, while trying to smile and saying everything is okay.

Grateful Day 4 - Walks - Most days I don't have a lot of energy, but when I wake up feeling okay I love to walk the kids to school.  It feels so good to be tired because I got out and did something not just because I am sick.

Grateful Day 5 - No razors or gel and blow dryers- If I had a choice I would choose hair, I miss my hair.  But I will admit it has been nice not having to shave my legs or armpits.  And if I want to I can shower and be ready to walk out the door in less than 15 minutes.   No blow dryers, no gel, no styling.  Just grab my hat and go.  I am also very grateful that I did not lose all my eyelashes and eyebrows.

Grateful Day 6 - Doctors - The only doctor I have had since I got married was my OB/GYN.  Now I have over half a dozen all working together to help me getting rid of this stupid cancer.  From my oncologist to the geneticist, the surgeons (general and reconstructive), and radiologists.  I feel really comfortable with all of them and am very glad they are on my team.

Grateful Day 7 - Abigail - This girl knows how to push my buttons, but I don't know what I would do without her help.  She puts up a fight to do her homework and chores, but if I ask her to hold Gage she never says no.  She can get him to laugh though his tears, she  will take him outside to swing and she help with feedings.  She is a good big sister and great daughter.

Steps

Todays treatment was the official end of my 6 rounds, 18 weeks, of chemo!

My numbers today were even worse than last week so I have to go back tomorrow for my third blood transfusion.

Wednesday is an appointment with my oncologist.

Thursday back for more labs.

Friday is a doctors appointment with the reconstructive surgeon.

To be honest I am tired.

I hate that cancer is running my life.

I have so many other things I want to be doing and focused on.

I feel like getting through chemo was a  huge milestone, until I realize how much further there still is to go.

Surgery, Heal, Radiation, Heal, Surgery, Heal, Surgery, Heal, Surgery? - plus at the same time getting chemo Herceptin treatments.

I will be in and out of surgeries for the next year, maybe longer.

I just have to keep reminding myself one step at a time.

Negative!!!!!

Last week I got a call from the geneticist saying that insurance took two weeks to approve the genetics testing she ordered and as soon as she got the results she would call again, but it might take 2-3 more weeks now. 

Her office called yesterday...

I am NEGATIVE for the "cancer" gene or BRCA.  Meaning the reason I have cancer is not hereditary, it was just my luck of the draw - a normal percent of the population.

A lady that I sometimes talk to while getting treatment told me that she and 9 of her 10 siblings tested positive for the BRCA gene and that meant they had a 70% chance of developing cancer sometime in their life.  Scary.

I am so relieved!  Great news for my brother and sister and for my kids too.

Yeah for being Negative!!


Some other happenings:

I had a heart scan yesterday to compare to the one I got before chemo started, I should find out those results next week.

I met with the radiation oncologist - he seems like a nice guy.  He wants to start radiation as soon as possible.  Probably in January after I have healed 4-6 weeks from the 1st surgery.  Radiation will be everyday, 5 days a week and I will need between 28 and 35 rounds.

I still need to meet with the reconstruction surgeon and have the pre-op appointment with the general surgeon.

Surgery is scheduled for December 2nd.

I am really looking forward to November.  Only one little chemo treatment and 3 doctors appointments! 

I am hoping by Thanksgiving my taste buds and stomach will be healed and can enjoy the holiday.

Sorry

I apologize to everyone.
Every morning when I get up I have a list of things I would like to get done.  The mornings go by so fast and before I know it, I need to start the afternoon routine.  
I am already so tired, it usually comes down the list or taking a nap... the nap always wins.
I feel years behind in all the crafts, picture taking, scrapbooking, and organizing.  
I need to be better at updating the blogs, returning text and phone calls, and sending out thank yous.
So the point of all this -
I just want to let everyone know how much I appreciate them, and while I might not get to it today or tomorrow, I will soon-ish.

Still coming -a post on the last chemo treatment and party!

I did not write this, it is from another blogger.
I figured I needed an update,
but I wont have any new news until later this week so...
I feel like this a lot, plus a few other things.



**************
I had chemo this week, on Monday. As usual, I've been in a type of fog all week. My mother-in-law is here visiting, and asked me to describe it. She wanted to understand what I was experiencing, and, by extension, what my father-in-law might have experienced when he was being treated for pancreatic cancer.

I struggled for the right words, but came up with this: "I just feel like my head is in the clouds."

It's like my thoughts are fluttering types of insects now, buzzing all over the place without ever standing still long enough for me to grab hold of one. As chemo week ends, it gets slightly better, but I'm not sure I fully recover between infusions.

And I struggle with how to manage my emotions, how to answer difficult questions, how to be a more present parent.

After chemo on Monday, I thought I could take Quinn and my mother-in-law grocery shopping with me, so that Chris could get some work done. And I don't know if Quinn is going through a growth spurt or this is just him being three or me getting chemo, but mid-afternoons have been rough for us lately. Like he needs a nap but the best I can hope for is some downtime in front of the t.v. for an hour. 

So pumped up on steroids and not yet starting to feel any side effects (I didn't think), I attempted to take my 3-year-old to the grocery store. It was exceptionally crowded at Trader Joe's, and I tried to convince Q to sit in the seat of my cart rather than get his own cart -- those miniature ones that TJ's offers for kids, which are such an adorable idea in theory. But Quinn would not be deterred, and I didn't think I was up for the fight. I told him he could have his own but he had to stay right next to me. He said he would.

I can see so many of you with kids already know where this is going.

First thing inside, right next to the salads, as I was trying to navigate the limited space between the employee restocking shelves and the elderly couple in front of me, Quinn started ramming his little mini-cart into my ankles. To his credit, he was staying right next to me. "Please stop, buddy," I asked him gently a couple of times. He didn't. My ankles were taking a beating. "Quinn, if you don't stop, you're going to have to sit in my cart," I reminded him, my voice getting more stern as I got more annoyed.

People were starting to stare at us. My son had already turned this into a game in his head. (He told me later he was just trying to be silly.)

I couldn't do it. Not on steroids, not after chemo, not in a crowded store. So I picked him up -- at which point he started screaming and kicking -- and said nevermind, we were going to skip grocery shopping that day. He kicked a shoe off in the parking lot on our way back to the car. A stranger kindly picked it up for us. He refused to sit in his carseat. It was close to 100-degrees outside, and I was out of breath from the walk to the car with a flailing child in my hands. I was also out of patience. He kicked me in the ribs as I tried to wrestle him into his carseat.

Nearly HALF AN HOUR went by. He was screaming, I was crying, cars were lining up waiting to pull into my spot as I tried to wave them along. I called Chris, who says I was so hysterical he thought I'd gotten into an accident. And then I growled at Quinn in a voice that sounded (even to my own ears) like I was possessed to GET IN YOUR DAMN CARSEAT. He finally relented. 

Thank you, chemo and steroids, for making me realize that I can, in fact, growl at this three-year-old (in front of my mother-in-law, no less). This is not the parent I want to be.

We both calmed down on the ride home, and we talked about what went wrong. Quinn and I promised each other we'd make the next day better (and we did). 

This, after my nurses cut my steroid dose in half a couple of sessions ago so that I would have less emotional reactions on my chemo weeks. The flip-side is my chemo side effects are bigger and badder, and I'm pretty certain I still have 'roid rage. 

I have felt terrible most of this week, because that's what chemo does with less medication to offset it. A doctor I follow on Twitter suggested asking my oncologist about not taking steroids at all, to take the emotional effects out of the equation. Or it could also be that, after seventeen months on this drug, its effects are building up in my system and this is just the way it is.

Fast-forward to this morning. Quinn woke up next to me (as he is wont to do; he inevitably sneaks in at some point in the middle of the night), and sweetly asked for a hug. Then we had this conversation: 

"Mommy, why are you a little bit sad?" I hadn't been feeling a little bit sad, I didn't think. Nostalgic, if anything.

"Because you're growing up so fast, and I want to remember all of it," I said and smiled at him. 

"Well, I'll remember it!" he promised. Then, this zinger: "Mommy, are you dying?"

I hugged him tighter so he wouldn't see the tears that immediately came to my eyes, the emotion that made me feel like my chest might crack in two. "Not anytime soon, honey," I told him.

"I want to remember when you die," he said. Then, "What does 'dying' mean?" Why did we have to have this conversation at 7:15 on a Friday? 

"It means when someone's not here with us anymore," I tried.

"Oh." He thought for a minute. "But I want you to stay here with me in this house forever!" 

"I want to, too, buddy. I'll stay as long as I can, okay?"


Man, it's been a long week. Here's to easier conversations and fewer side effects and being a more mindful parent in the weeks ahead. Other parents, how do you talk to your toddlers about cancer? How do you manage your side effects with children around?

*****************

The steroids don't really effect me like that, for me it is more tired, less patience and painful side effects.  On a more positive note...

Low

Wow.  It has been a while since I have posted any updates. 

I have been struggling a bit with - well everything. 

The side effects are really hitting me hard.  They are cumulative with each treatment and being almost at the end, they are pretty bad.

My red and white blood count was low last treatment so I needed to have a blood transfusion - 4 hours and 2 units blood.  I thought it would make me feel a little better but nope.   And to be honest it really gave me the heebie-jeebies watching the blood drip through my IV line.

This week I also got tonsillitis.  I had to go back in to the doctor to get more meds and get IV fluids, because I was dehydrated. I also had a temperature that had the doctor worried.  He told me to monitor it for the next 24-48 hours and if it didn't go down the medication they would need to hospitalize me.  Luckily the next day it  went down.  Between the side effects of a big chemo treatment and being sick, I was down and in bed for the better part of a week. 

Last week I met with the doctor who will be doing my surgery.  I was given a few options but we cant make any final decisions until the genetics testing comes back the end of next week.  I didn't get the news I wanted to hear from the surgeon and now I am tore as to what the best option is.

With each new step it brings on a whole new set of fears.  It is easy to talk about it in the future tense but when I have to face it, I am really scared. 

I also had an appointment with my oncologist.  For some reason I thought I would not need radiation because the cancer had not spread but he thinks it is my best chance to get rid of the cancer once and for all.  How can I argue with that?   Another fear to overcome.

So what is next.

Last big round of chemo on the 20th.

Wait 4-6 weeks to get better and my body to build back up its immunity.

First week of December - surgery.

Radiation.

Another surgery.

Possibly another surgery.

For now just waiting and worrying....

Waiting for the Next Step

Today is another big treatment day.  Actually as I type this I am sitting here getting chemo.  I am hoping this round goes better then the last.  Round 4 was pretty bad.  For about 3 days I couldn't even get out of bed I was in so much pain.  Ryan and Becky had to watch the kids all day so I could sleep.  I met with my oncologist and he prescribed some more meds so if it is bad again I hope these new pain medications will help.

I also have been feeling weak and before I could get today's treatment they tested my blood to know if I am strong enough and my blood counts are high enough, before they get destroyed with another treatment. They are not!  They think it is still important enough to proceed with the treatment but now I have to come back tomorrow and get a blood transfusion - 2 units or just under 2 pints. That explains why I am so tired and weak. There is only 9 pints in your whole body!

I met with a geneticist last week and sent some blood off to the lab to see if I am a carrier of certain types of cancer genes.  I have cancer on both sides of my family.  I should have results back in about one month, just before my appointment with the doctor who will be doing the surgery.  Right now I am feeling the best option is a double mastectomy. They also talked about doing a hysterectomy.  I will have to wait and see what the team of doctors say is best. I don't enjoy this waiting game.  But knowing is just as hard, too.

Need for Normalcy

The other night after dinner I got up to do the dishes like I have done a hundred times before. 

Of course that was before the cancer. 

Now every time I get up to do something as simple as the dishes, my husband or mother makes me go sit down and rest, and they finish.

Don't get me wrong I love the help and I need the help.

I need the help to do the dishes, and the laundry, and the mopping, dusting, vacuuming.  Help doing the errands, grocery shopping, making dinner, getting the kids ready for school, taking them to doctors appointments, watching them while I get treatments.  Even bringing me wonderful lunches while I am stuck getting chemo!  The list could go on forever.  I need the help.

I guess that is the problem. 

I don't feel needed. 

I need everyone else.

And that, in some ways makes me feel like a failure. 

I am failing at being a good wife and mother.

Some days I am just too tired. Too tired and sick to get out of bed.   Too tired and sick to eat, to do housework and sadly take care of the kids like I would like to. 

I struggle with that. 

I realize cancer is a process. 

A different process for everyone. 

So on the days I feel okay, I want to do the things I did before I got sick.

I don't feel normal.

I have a need for normalcy.

(To Ryan and my mother, Claetra and Becky, my neighbors and friends-
Please know how much I appreciate and truly need your help.  I am learning to accept help and to be humble.  And I am so lucky to have so many of you, even strangers, and your willingness to help.  I love you all.)

Maybe I am sick if I don't take my family up on doing all the chores around the house, who likes doing the dishes and laundry anyways :)

Half and Happy

I am officially half way through treatments, started my fourth round of my six today.

I also had a great appointment with my oncologist a few days ago.  Without doing another MRI, he still estimates that the tumor is about half the original size!!!  It is not as hard and the edges are less defined, which are both good things.

I know with todays treatment in a few days I will feel crappy for 2 weeks but I also feel like there is an end in sight.

A few weeks ago I took Abby with me to get a treatment.  She was interested for a few minutes then she asked if she could read her book.  Good thing it was only the hour treatment and not the 5 hour one :) 

Chemo SUCKS!!!!

It has been a rough couple of days. 

New side effects I haven't had before. 

That's all.

The Calm

It is the calm before the storm.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. So I walked to kids to school. 
That is one of my favorite things to do but usually I am too tired to.

It felt great.

Today is my 3rd big chemo round. 
















The storm.

It is a weird feeling to know what is coming.  The sickness and side effects.  But this being my 3rd one, means I am half way done with them.  And on the 2nd of September I will be half way done with all my treatments.

And that feels great!

Treatment

Some of you have asked what exactly my treatments are, so here is the breakdown:

Week 1 - I get 4 different drugs through my port.  First they give me an anti-nausea medication called Zofran and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Then a drug called Taxotere, next is Cytoxan and one called Herceptin and last is Perjeta.  In all in takes about 4 hours.

Then the next day I go back and get a shot called Neulasta.

Week 2 - This treatment is just one drug through my port again, this one is called Herceptin.  This round only takes about an hour.

Week 3 - Same as week 2.

Then is starts all over again.

There is also all the medications to help with the side effects...

But they have side effects too.

I also go in the Thursday before week 1 and have my blood draw.  They check the numbers and make sure I am well enough to have the big round of chemo.  I also meet with my oncologist.

I remember doing a lot of research on all of these drugs and honestly the side effects scared me so much that I didn't want to learn any more.  I hope they do what they are supposed to and don't cause too many long term side effects.

After 3 rounds, I will have another MRI and Muga Scan, which they will compare to the ones I had before I started chemo.

After 6 rounds, I will have surgery, most likely a mastectomy, possibly a double mastectomy. 

Then I will have a year of Herceptin, every 3 weeks.

THEN  I WILL BE DONE WITH THIS, NEVER TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AGAIN!!!!!!!

I HOPE
There will be a day when the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before falling asleep isn't cancer.

I HOPE
There will there be a day when asked how I am, I can answer fine, and mean it.

I HOPE
There will be a day when the word cancer is said and it will not bring me to tears.

I HOPE.

Gone

I have cancer.
I look like cancer.
I think Saturday was probably the hardest day since I got my diagnosis.
Cancer is just not physically, it is also very emotional.
My hair had been falling out for about a week.  I was trying my hardest to hang onto it.  I am not sure why?  It was going to fall out no matter what I did.  I guess I was hoping I would be part of the very small percentage that don't loose their hair.  I know my hair does not define who I am, but I really like my hair.
 I didn't know what to expect even though my doctors and nurses tried to tell me.  It is one of those things you can't really understand until you go through it yourself.  I did not think losing my hair would be a big deal, but it was.  I cried.  I cried hard.  I cried a lot.  It seems vain to say I cried over loosing my hair.  A piece of me was falling out. I never really had bald patches, the hair just came out in long strands all over.
On Thursday my sister cut my hair up to my chin, and by Saturday you could see my scalp on top so she and my brother shaved it.  I don't know how I would have done it without them.  I am certain I could not have done it myself.  My sister knows how important my hair was to me and my brother has been shaving his head for years so he knows how hard it is to let it go.     I am so thankful they were there to help me and willing to do it.
I know this is only temporary, I know it will grow back.  But this is just another indication that I have cancer.  I can hide my scar, I can deal with the side effects and being tired,  it is a lot harder to hid the fact I don't have hair. 
I am not used to the way I look bald, I don't know if I ever will be.  Right now I am wearing something 24/7.  Usually a hat during the day and a scarf at night.  I was worried the kids might be scared, but they don't seem to phased.  Abby got her hair cut all the way to her ears, Kaden got a buzz cut and Alyssa got a little trim.  All the kids were wonderful as I was getting my head shaved.  They took turns coming and giving me hugs and telling me it will be ok.  Alyssa seems a little concerned as says I look funny or silly, and wants me to be "hairy" again. 
On a more positive note I  will to some shopping in the next few days and get a wig and some fun scarfs and caps.  Who doesn't like shopping.  Plus I hear your hair comes back better than before.... heres to hoping for no grey!!

3 Down

Treatment 3 today, it went well.  It is getting easier to walk in the door, actually it was the 1st time I didn't cry while at the cancer center. Yea for me.

For me the next big hurdle will be losing my hair.  Sounds kinda vain but for the most part I really like my hair.  This moring a lot of came out while I was getting ready.  I have thick hair but I don't image more than a week or so before it is all gone.  I think this might be hard for this kids to see because so far the only side effect they have seen is how tired I am.  I hear wigs are hot and scratchy especially here.  So I guess I need to go shopping for some cute scarfs.  If I feel brave I might post a picture... actually if I am being honest probably not.

Some of you have asked exactally what type of cancer I have, it is called Triple Positive (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

Thank You

I have a quality that I do not like about myself and that is when I don’t know what to say, I usually say nothing. This is one of those cases; however I cannot remain silent. All of the comments, words of encouragement, donations and prayers are so appreciated. I am a very private person, and putting the news about my cancer out there was a very hard decision to make. I feel very vulnerable ...yet very humbled. I want to thank Anji for creating the You Caring site. If she would have asked my permission, I would have immediately told her no, but I also understand the need for those who care and want to help us from afar. Accepting help, in any form, is a lesson I will be learning thought out this trail. Currently my sweet step sister, Amy, is going through trails no one should ever have to endure and I remember reading a quote on her Facebook page. “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” I am trying to be strong. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to deal with each day as it comes, and all of you are helping more than you will ever know. I also want to thank my dear friend Jodi for writing a beautiful post about me and our friendship. And to all my friends and family, even though it does not feel adequate enough in mind, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

ONE

ONE Month Ago
ONE Phone Call
ONE WORD

TWO Treatments

FIVE Procedures

TEN Prescription Medications

THIRTEEN Doctors Appointments

COUNTLESS Sleepless Hours

and a MILLION Tears Later...

I AM STILL FIGHTING!

2 DOWN

Sorry for the slow update.  The first few days after chemo didn't seem to bad, but over the weekend and Monday they got worse.  I called the nurse and told her what had been going on and they got me some new meds that are working much better.  Basically I had severe stomach pains which every time I ate made it worse.  A side effect of the treatment, to much acid.  Pretty much everything starting at my mouth down my whole digestive track was effected.  Hopefully it is under control now.  I had my smaller treatment on Monday so 2 DOWN 16 to go!

Feeling Alright

I have only have a few side effects hit me so far, but nothing I can't handle.  Mostly just tired but I think I will blame that on the little guy who thinks he is a night owl.  I do love that he naps a lot during the day - it is a great excuse for me to join him ;)

1st Round Done!!  Definitely the hardest part was walking thru the doors.  I am feeling pretty good right now, we will see what tomorrow brings.  Going to go hold me some baby and relax.  Thanks Becky for visiting and bringing lunch and yummy smoothies, mom for taking Gage to his doctors appointment and Claetra for watching the other kids.  I couldn't do any of the this without you guys.  And I can't thank my amazing husband enough for being at my side the whole time!

Ready, or not, Set, Go!  Headed to first round of chemo. Wished for days this day would not come.  Having a hard time going in, so glad my amazing husband is here.  Love you babe.

Past Week

I know lots of you are concerned and so I thought I would explain what has been going on the last week or so with me.

The day before Gage was born I met with an oncologist.  He seems like an awesome guy.  I trust him and what he thinks is the best treatment plan for me. 

I got one week to be with Gage and just try to focus on him.  He is my saving grace and stress reliever.  I need him.

Last Friday I met with the surgeon who preformed the biopsy and will be putting in my portacath or port so I can receive the chemo treatments.

Monday I met with a nurse at the cancer center who walked me through the chemo treatments, the drugs and the side effects, basically Chemo 101.

Tuesday I had a MRI to see if the cancer had spread anywhere else.

Wednesday was hardest day so far.  It was the surgery to place the port.  It went well, I am just very sore.  The incisions and the device itself hurt.

Thursday I had some blood work done, a meeting with the oncologist again and a MUGA scan.  The scan is to get a baseline of how my heart is functioning before they start chemo.  The doctor finally gave me some good news - it doesn't look like the cancer has spread anywhere else! 

Today.  So glad it is a holiday and everyone is closed or I am sure I would have had an appointment for something.  Happy to be with family and focus on them over the weekend.  Monday is the big day - first round of chemo.

June 17, 2014
A day I will never forget.
A day that turned my life upside down.
A day that forever changed my world.

It started with a seemingly innocent phone call.
Three little words.
"Kim, it's cancer," my doctor said.
In my mind I know I could not have possibly heard that right.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
"What?"
"Your biopsy came back positive for cancer."

I HAVE CANCER...

I had so many thoughts running through my mind.
It can't be cancer, I am only 35.
It can't be cancer, I have 3 little kids.
It can't be cancer, I am having our 4th child in 3 days.

I don't know if I can handle this.

How can I be feeling so many emotions at the same time?

Mad
Scared
Hopeful
Angry
Terrified
Grateful
Robbed

I never imagined cancer would be my reality. I just want to go back in time.  Go back to sleep so I don't have to think about it but wake up without it being a new day.

How am I going to tell my husband, the kids and our families?

No one should have to meet with an oncologist the day before having a baby.

Finding strength and courage is hard right now, crying comes easy.

I will not take this news as a death sentence, I will accept my fate and cherish everyday.  I will have a new outlook on life.  I am determined to fight this.

Fight for my incredibly strong, supportive, loving, at every appointment husband.

Fight for my concerned Abigail who is having to grow up too fast to help her tired mom.

Fight for my sweet Kaden who just wants me to get better.

Fight for my loving Alyssa who wants to give all my owies kisses.

Fight for my little Gage who just needs his mommy.

Fight for my family.