What's Next

For the month of December:
2 major surgeries
2 little chemo treatments
7 doctor appointments
Another heart scan
and ...
I am not sure what else. 

I still need to meet with the radiologist.
Radiation should start in January, hopefully on the 18th. 

I have started meeting with the lymphedema specialist who will hopefully help me get better function back in my right arm.

I am told not to think about reconstruction for at least a year.

I am so torn between my feelings. 
Honestly I don't know what to feel. 
I am grateful...
but I also feel robbed not being able to nurse Gage.  Or hold him on my chest. Hell I am not even supposed to pick him up.
But I am still here and I am still fighting.  I don't have a boob, so what. 
My family, kids and friends give me strength and the will to keeping pushing.
I am getting there... slowly, a day at a time.

A few days ago was hard.  Really hard.  I really looked at my scar for the first time.  I kinda wish I hadn't.  I really wish I hadn't. 
Truthfully it scares me.  I can't explain how or why.  I hope in time I will get used to it. Just need more time again.

 While playing on the internet I found these cool quotes about scars:

"I think scars are like battle wound - beautiful, in a way.  They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it."  - Demi Lavato

"Scars should remind you of where you've been. But they don't have to dictate where you're going.

"Scars are tattoos with better stories"

"Just because the scars have healed, doesn't mean that the pain has"

And my favorite:

 

"Never be ashamed of a scar.  It simply means you were stronger that whatever tried to hurt you."

 

 

Sometimes I feel like this journey just keeps getting longer and I am pushed into the next phase before I have fully processed the last one.  After everything I have been through, I still have a hard time believing this is my life.  I am struggling to find the new normal when I want what used to be so bad.