Grateful Day 24 - Good Days and Bad Days - the bad days suck but without them I would not fully appreciate the good ones.
Grateful Day 25 - My Mother - Wow. I can not begin to thank her enough. She comes for weeks at a time and takes care of everything! Running the errands, grocery shopping, fixing dinner, taking care of all the kids and me. She does all the chores and keeps the house running all while I am taking a nap. I could not do this without her. I am forever grateful for her.
Grateful Day 26 - To be here - I read stories every day in the news about women who are dying from breast cancer. Different types, different stages - but breast cancer none the less. Some days I struggle, some days I have to just remind myself to breathe and focus on the big picture. I am sick, I have no hair, no energy - but I am here. And I am grateful to be here.
Grateful Day 27 - Found - I am grateful my tumor was found when it was. The last month of my pregnancy was incredibly difficult but I would have not wanted it any other way. If the cancer would have been found sooner, Gage would probably not be here as the chemo treatments most likely make you infertile, or they would have wanted me to abort him, or I would have made the hard decision to risk my life to carry him to term and have the cancer spread before treatment could be started. It was found the month he was due, diagnosed just day before he was born. I got to complete my family; a lot of other women don't get that chance. I am grateful for the timing.
Grateful Day 28 - Gage - Oh that boy has the most amazing smile and it just melts my heart. He is making this fight worth it and most days he is my saving grace. I could sit and snuggle that boy all day long, of course he won't sit still for longer than a second now. One of the hardest things for me to deal with emotionally is the fact that I feel like I got robbed of some of the most wonderful parts of having a newborn. I was only able to nurse for a week. I had to leave him to go to doctor appointment, scans, test and surgeries a lot; in fact I left him more in his first 2 weeks of life than I left Abby in her first year. But I am grateful he is here and he is safe even with me having cancer while pregnant with him.
Grateful Day 29 - Ryan - How could I even function without him? He is my rock and the most amazing father and husband. He is the hardest worker I know, and after working all day he still comes home with so much energy. He plays with the kids, takes care of them, cleans up, does the dishes, helps with the laundry, bathes the kids.... the list goes on and on. His arms make me feel safe. He comes with me to all my doctors’ appointments, asks the questions I can't, or don't even think of. He supports my decisions - whatever they may be. He is quiet but strong. He has the best sense of humor and can make me smile when I want to cry. He has literally seen me at my worst and still tells me I am beautiful. I am so grateful he is my best friend and husband.
Grateful Day 30 - Numb - This is good for me, not so good for those around me. After everything that has happened so far, I still feel like I could wake up tomorrow and this would all be a bad dream. The only way I am getting through this is to be numb to it all. I am sorry if I don't want to talk about it, or even talk in general. Some days I just don't want to feel anything. Being numb is just the way I cope and survive.
Grateful Day 31 - Happening To Me - After watching Alyssa get worse and worse in the hospital, then being life flight-ed, watching her struggle to breath and being too weak to sit up, I am grateful this diagnosis is mine. I would rather have it a thousand times over than to have to watch one of the kids go through this. I wish I didn't have to worry about them ever developing this disease but at least I know it is not hereditary. When Alyssa was so sick that was some of the hardest and scariest days of my life, I don't know if I could handle watching one of my kids go through what I have been through. As crazy stupid as this sounds, I am grateful I am the one who has cancer.
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