Gone

I have cancer.
I look like cancer.
I think Saturday was probably the hardest day since I got my diagnosis.
Cancer is just not physically, it is also very emotional.
My hair had been falling out for about a week.  I was trying my hardest to hang onto it.  I am not sure why?  It was going to fall out no matter what I did.  I guess I was hoping I would be part of the very small percentage that don't loose their hair.  I know my hair does not define who I am, but I really like my hair.
 I didn't know what to expect even though my doctors and nurses tried to tell me.  It is one of those things you can't really understand until you go through it yourself.  I did not think losing my hair would be a big deal, but it was.  I cried.  I cried hard.  I cried a lot.  It seems vain to say I cried over loosing my hair.  A piece of me was falling out. I never really had bald patches, the hair just came out in long strands all over.
On Thursday my sister cut my hair up to my chin, and by Saturday you could see my scalp on top so she and my brother shaved it.  I don't know how I would have done it without them.  I am certain I could not have done it myself.  My sister knows how important my hair was to me and my brother has been shaving his head for years so he knows how hard it is to let it go.     I am so thankful they were there to help me and willing to do it.
I know this is only temporary, I know it will grow back.  But this is just another indication that I have cancer.  I can hide my scar, I can deal with the side effects and being tired,  it is a lot harder to hid the fact I don't have hair. 
I am not used to the way I look bald, I don't know if I ever will be.  Right now I am wearing something 24/7.  Usually a hat during the day and a scarf at night.  I was worried the kids might be scared, but they don't seem to phased.  Abby got her hair cut all the way to her ears, Kaden got a buzz cut and Alyssa got a little trim.  All the kids were wonderful as I was getting my head shaved.  They took turns coming and giving me hugs and telling me it will be ok.  Alyssa seems a little concerned as says I look funny or silly, and wants me to be "hairy" again. 
On a more positive note I  will to some shopping in the next few days and get a wig and some fun scarfs and caps.  Who doesn't like shopping.  Plus I hear your hair comes back better than before.... heres to hoping for no grey!!