Positive

I have been struggling a lot lately.

As the date of my surgery gets closer the more scared, depressed, mad (and a whole bunch of other emotions I can't even describe) I am getting.

Most of these feelings take me to a dark place and if I spend too long thinking about it, I really think I could cry all day...

So this being November, the month of gratitude, I am going to write about 30 things or reasons why I am grateful - related to cancer.

I am already a behind so here it goes....

Grateful Day 1 - Lidocaine Cream - Since I have a port, it means everything I have done, such as blood draws or chemo treatments or blood transfusion or Muga scan contrast, it is injected through my port.  I get stuck with a needle a lot and all in the same spot.  If I remember to put on the lidocaine cream an hour before, it numbs the area and it doesn't hurt as bad.  As of today I have been poked 25 times.  I am grateful for this cream.

Grateful Day 2 - Insurance - Even with the crappy plan we have that hardly covers anything and has a high deductible and max out of pocket, we would be bankrupt without it.  Between Alyssa's hospital stay and life flight and my treatments and upcoming surgeries we will hit well over half a million dollars (maybe more) in medical expenses this year.  But ever since we hit the max out of pocket in July, insurance has been picking up 100% and I love receiving statements that say, "Total Member Responsibility $0.00."

Grateful Day 3 - Social Media and Technology - I am not good about talking about how I feel or to lots of people, so I love being able to blog or Facebook to let everyone know how I am doing and what is going on.  I am grateful for the concerned texts, email, and comments.  This is a lot easier for me, I don't like crying on the phone or in person, while trying to smile and saying everything is okay.

Grateful Day 4 - Walks - Most days I don't have a lot of energy, but when I wake up feeling okay I love to walk the kids to school.  It feels so good to be tired because I got out and did something not just because I am sick.

Grateful Day 5 - No razors or gel and blow dryers- If I had a choice I would choose hair, I miss my hair.  But I will admit it has been nice not having to shave my legs or armpits.  And if I want to I can shower and be ready to walk out the door in less than 15 minutes.   No blow dryers, no gel, no styling.  Just grab my hat and go.  I am also very grateful that I did not lose all my eyelashes and eyebrows.

Grateful Day 6 - Doctors - The only doctor I have had since I got married was my OB/GYN.  Now I have over half a dozen all working together to help me getting rid of this stupid cancer.  From my oncologist to the geneticist, the surgeons (general and reconstructive), and radiologists.  I feel really comfortable with all of them and am very glad they are on my team.

Grateful Day 7 - Abigail - This girl knows how to push my buttons, but I don't know what I would do without her help.  She puts up a fight to do her homework and chores, but if I ask her to hold Gage she never says no.  She can get him to laugh though his tears, she  will take him outside to swing and she help with feedings.  She is a good big sister and great daughter.