I HOPE
There will be a day when the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before falling asleep isn't cancer.

I HOPE
There will there be a day when asked how I am, I can answer fine, and mean it.

I HOPE
There will be a day when the word cancer is said and it will not bring me to tears.

I HOPE.

Gone

I have cancer.
I look like cancer.
I think Saturday was probably the hardest day since I got my diagnosis.
Cancer is just not physically, it is also very emotional.
My hair had been falling out for about a week.  I was trying my hardest to hang onto it.  I am not sure why?  It was going to fall out no matter what I did.  I guess I was hoping I would be part of the very small percentage that don't loose their hair.  I know my hair does not define who I am, but I really like my hair.
 I didn't know what to expect even though my doctors and nurses tried to tell me.  It is one of those things you can't really understand until you go through it yourself.  I did not think losing my hair would be a big deal, but it was.  I cried.  I cried hard.  I cried a lot.  It seems vain to say I cried over loosing my hair.  A piece of me was falling out. I never really had bald patches, the hair just came out in long strands all over.
On Thursday my sister cut my hair up to my chin, and by Saturday you could see my scalp on top so she and my brother shaved it.  I don't know how I would have done it without them.  I am certain I could not have done it myself.  My sister knows how important my hair was to me and my brother has been shaving his head for years so he knows how hard it is to let it go.     I am so thankful they were there to help me and willing to do it.
I know this is only temporary, I know it will grow back.  But this is just another indication that I have cancer.  I can hide my scar, I can deal with the side effects and being tired,  it is a lot harder to hid the fact I don't have hair. 
I am not used to the way I look bald, I don't know if I ever will be.  Right now I am wearing something 24/7.  Usually a hat during the day and a scarf at night.  I was worried the kids might be scared, but they don't seem to phased.  Abby got her hair cut all the way to her ears, Kaden got a buzz cut and Alyssa got a little trim.  All the kids were wonderful as I was getting my head shaved.  They took turns coming and giving me hugs and telling me it will be ok.  Alyssa seems a little concerned as says I look funny or silly, and wants me to be "hairy" again. 
On a more positive note I  will to some shopping in the next few days and get a wig and some fun scarfs and caps.  Who doesn't like shopping.  Plus I hear your hair comes back better than before.... heres to hoping for no grey!!

3 Down

Treatment 3 today, it went well.  It is getting easier to walk in the door, actually it was the 1st time I didn't cry while at the cancer center. Yea for me.

For me the next big hurdle will be losing my hair.  Sounds kinda vain but for the most part I really like my hair.  This moring a lot of came out while I was getting ready.  I have thick hair but I don't image more than a week or so before it is all gone.  I think this might be hard for this kids to see because so far the only side effect they have seen is how tired I am.  I hear wigs are hot and scratchy especially here.  So I guess I need to go shopping for some cute scarfs.  If I feel brave I might post a picture... actually if I am being honest probably not.

Some of you have asked exactally what type of cancer I have, it is called Triple Positive (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

Thank You

I have a quality that I do not like about myself and that is when I don’t know what to say, I usually say nothing. This is one of those cases; however I cannot remain silent. All of the comments, words of encouragement, donations and prayers are so appreciated. I am a very private person, and putting the news about my cancer out there was a very hard decision to make. I feel very vulnerable ...yet very humbled. I want to thank Anji for creating the You Caring site. If she would have asked my permission, I would have immediately told her no, but I also understand the need for those who care and want to help us from afar. Accepting help, in any form, is a lesson I will be learning thought out this trail. Currently my sweet step sister, Amy, is going through trails no one should ever have to endure and I remember reading a quote on her Facebook page. “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” I am trying to be strong. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to deal with each day as it comes, and all of you are helping more than you will ever know. I also want to thank my dear friend Jodi for writing a beautiful post about me and our friendship. And to all my friends and family, even though it does not feel adequate enough in mind, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

ONE

ONE Month Ago
ONE Phone Call
ONE WORD

TWO Treatments

FIVE Procedures

TEN Prescription Medications

THIRTEEN Doctors Appointments

COUNTLESS Sleepless Hours

and a MILLION Tears Later...

I AM STILL FIGHTING!

2 DOWN

Sorry for the slow update.  The first few days after chemo didn't seem to bad, but over the weekend and Monday they got worse.  I called the nurse and told her what had been going on and they got me some new meds that are working much better.  Basically I had severe stomach pains which every time I ate made it worse.  A side effect of the treatment, to much acid.  Pretty much everything starting at my mouth down my whole digestive track was effected.  Hopefully it is under control now.  I had my smaller treatment on Monday so 2 DOWN 16 to go!

Feeling Alright

I have only have a few side effects hit me so far, but nothing I can't handle.  Mostly just tired but I think I will blame that on the little guy who thinks he is a night owl.  I do love that he naps a lot during the day - it is a great excuse for me to join him ;)

1st Round Done!!  Definitely the hardest part was walking thru the doors.  I am feeling pretty good right now, we will see what tomorrow brings.  Going to go hold me some baby and relax.  Thanks Becky for visiting and bringing lunch and yummy smoothies, mom for taking Gage to his doctors appointment and Claetra for watching the other kids.  I couldn't do any of the this without you guys.  And I can't thank my amazing husband enough for being at my side the whole time!

Ready, or not, Set, Go!  Headed to first round of chemo. Wished for days this day would not come.  Having a hard time going in, so glad my amazing husband is here.  Love you babe.

Past Week

I know lots of you are concerned and so I thought I would explain what has been going on the last week or so with me.

The day before Gage was born I met with an oncologist.  He seems like an awesome guy.  I trust him and what he thinks is the best treatment plan for me. 

I got one week to be with Gage and just try to focus on him.  He is my saving grace and stress reliever.  I need him.

Last Friday I met with the surgeon who preformed the biopsy and will be putting in my portacath or port so I can receive the chemo treatments.

Monday I met with a nurse at the cancer center who walked me through the chemo treatments, the drugs and the side effects, basically Chemo 101.

Tuesday I had a MRI to see if the cancer had spread anywhere else.

Wednesday was hardest day so far.  It was the surgery to place the port.  It went well, I am just very sore.  The incisions and the device itself hurt.

Thursday I had some blood work done, a meeting with the oncologist again and a MUGA scan.  The scan is to get a baseline of how my heart is functioning before they start chemo.  The doctor finally gave me some good news - it doesn't look like the cancer has spread anywhere else! 

Today.  So glad it is a holiday and everyone is closed or I am sure I would have had an appointment for something.  Happy to be with family and focus on them over the weekend.  Monday is the big day - first round of chemo.

June 17, 2014
A day I will never forget.
A day that turned my life upside down.
A day that forever changed my world.

It started with a seemingly innocent phone call.
Three little words.
"Kim, it's cancer," my doctor said.
In my mind I know I could not have possibly heard that right.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
"What?"
"Your biopsy came back positive for cancer."

I HAVE CANCER...

I had so many thoughts running through my mind.
It can't be cancer, I am only 35.
It can't be cancer, I have 3 little kids.
It can't be cancer, I am having our 4th child in 3 days.

I don't know if I can handle this.

How can I be feeling so many emotions at the same time?

Mad
Scared
Hopeful
Angry
Terrified
Grateful
Robbed

I never imagined cancer would be my reality. I just want to go back in time.  Go back to sleep so I don't have to think about it but wake up without it being a new day.

How am I going to tell my husband, the kids and our families?

No one should have to meet with an oncologist the day before having a baby.

Finding strength and courage is hard right now, crying comes easy.

I will not take this news as a death sentence, I will accept my fate and cherish everyday.  I will have a new outlook on life.  I am determined to fight this.

Fight for my incredibly strong, supportive, loving, at every appointment husband.

Fight for my concerned Abigail who is having to grow up too fast to help her tired mom.

Fight for my sweet Kaden who just wants me to get better.

Fight for my loving Alyssa who wants to give all my owies kisses.

Fight for my little Gage who just needs his mommy.

Fight for my family.