Speeding By

Time is speeding by.

The kids start school next Monday!

I am excited, they are not.

Well maybe Alyssa.

Gage will be an only child for 2 hours and 35 minutes, 5 days a week.

Maybe I will get caught up on some things-

probably not.

I am doing pretty good.

Surgery went really well and healing has gone great.

I did not realize how involved the removal of the standing cones,

points on my hips, was going to be.

Between fixing those and part of the left breast,

I came out of surgery with 18 new inches of incisions.

And for the record - compression garments suck!

All of them.  

The one on my arm is tolerable, I have had a lot of swelling in my arm from surgery, 

travel, bug bites and a run in with a metal shed corner that scratched my upper arm.

Crazy how all those things can affect my arm so much.

I am also wearing one that goes from rib cage down to my calfs.

It is super awesome in this 100 degree summer heat.

Overall, I am still sore and tired.

Always tired.

I feel like it takes forever to regain any strength and energy.

Actually I still don't feel like I have any strength or energy since this all

started over 3 years ago.

My surgeon wants to do one more surgery closer to the end of the year,

I told him I would think about it.

Not sure if my body can take any more.

It would be great though - give everything a nice finished 

look with almost perfect symmetry.

I love my new nose - and I will love it even more when the 

rest of the swelling goes down over the next 3-6 month.  

Compared to what I remember of the issues and pain from 

breaking it 18 years ago, this time was a sinch.  

I feel a little sad that I have missed out on some fun things this summer - 

zip lining, water skiing and rappelling - 

But next summer, 

Will be awesome!

At Home

Sorry for the slow update but I wanted to let everyone know how I am doing.
I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am on Wednesday.
They got me all checked in, blood drawn and IV in.
(The nurse had a little bit of a hard time getting the vein
so she kept fishing around and that was kinda painful.)
I got to the OR just before 8 am.
I believe the surgery was just over 4 hours.
The surgeries went great. Both doctors said it went just as planned.
I came out of anesthesia well, but they held me in the triage room
a little longer because my oxygen levels were somewhat low.
Ryan was right there when I got back to the recovery room.
I had some blaugh jello and then some yummy yogurt.

After some pain meds I starting feeling better.
I was released about 3 pm.
The meds started to make me feel drowsy,
so after I said Hi to the kids, I took a nap until 7 pm.
I ate a little dinner, talked to family and friends and
then started the process to get ready for bed.
Bandages, ointments and meds.
I have yet to see anything, other than a few bruises.
I am wrapped from my calves to my armpits.
and my nose has a lovely cast on it.
They have given me clearance to shower in a few days, yay.
I can't wait to see how everything turns out!

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

Ready for the 5th

Surgery is right around the corner - again.
And I am in a hurry-get-everything-ready mode.
House cleaned, menus made, groceries bought
and help lined up so I can just relax and take
a nap at any given moment, if I want.

This help is, of course, my wonderful mother and Annette, my sister in law.
Without them I honestly would not know how to handle most of the daily tasks.
They come to clean and play with kids and take care of me.
And I don't know how to thank them or repay them.

Each time I think this is the last surgery and I come to terms with it,
I find out that there might be another one in a few months after the doctors see
how things have settled.

It may seem like I enjoy surgeries, but I do not.
I accept them as part of what I need to do in order to regain my body
and come to terms with my new normal.
I feel I am getting closer, I think this could be my last one.
I finally believe there is a light at the end of this long, scary tunnel.
Each one has helped and taught me something about myself,
and those around me.

This should be a shorter surgery -
Somewhere between 3-5 hours.
I guess anything would be considered shorter compared to my last one of almost 10 hours.
It is also an out patient surgery.
This is what I would call a touch-up surgery.

They are removing my standing cones, yea that is the medical term.
Basically it is where they started my incisions during the last surgery and it made these funny points that stick out on my hips.
They are injecting some fat along my radiated side where there is a bunch of scar tissue that is hard, this fat should soften it.
They are also taking fat from my flanks and upper thighs to even out both my breasts and make them more symmetrical.

AND

I am having my nose fixed.
I am a little embarrassed to say I am having a cosmetic rhinoplasty
but I am extremely excited about it.
After I shattered my nose almost 20 years ago, I have hated it.
And I figure, hey why not - I feel like with everything I have been though
I deserve it.
I have scheduled it a dozen times since 1999, but I either got scared or felt
guilty so I backed out.
But not this time.

As crazy as it sounds I am actually
looking forward to Wednesday.

Not This Date

My Cancerversary date is approaching on Saturday.
It will be three years since I heard those words.
Words that changed every aspect of my life.
But I don't want to dwell on that day,
I choose to celebrate the day I was declared NED.
(No evidence of disease)

I am a member of a number of support groups on Facebook
and the other day a lady in one of the groups wrote this:

I won’t tell you that I wrote goodbye letters to all my dear ones before surgery, 

you might think I’m a pessimist.
I won’t tell you that I had days where I wanted to end it all while I was in chemo, 
you might thing I’m suicidal.
I won’t tell you that I am so angry about how my body looks now, 
you might think I’m ungrateful.
I won’t tell you how hurtful your ‘helpful’ tips to beat cancer naturally were, 
you might think I'm lazy.
I won’t tell you how painful it was to be told that I didn’t qualify for disability pension 
because I wasn’t given a prognosis of certain death, 
you might think I’m greedy.
I won’t tell you how disillusioned I am by the wait times for surgeries, 
oncology appointments and other cancer checks, 
you might think I am self-absorbed.
I won’t tell you how ugly I feel, 
you might think I’m narcissistic.
I won’t tell you how scared I am of a recurrence, 
you might think I’m a hypochondriac.
I won’t tell you how angry I feel when my caregiver tells me that my 
cancer means that he has lost out on things as well, 
you might think that I’m unsympathetic.
I won’t tell you how rejected I feel, 
you might think that I should just be grateful that he stayed with me.
I won’t tell you how much I fear for my children, 
you might think that I am a negative person.
All these things I will not tell-because if I do, I just might not be able to 
hold onto what I have left in the ruins of my life. 
Cancer has taken my confidence, my pride, my financial stability, 
my health, my sexuality, my youth, my optimism.

 2017 IS THE YEAR THAT I'M GOING TO TAKE IT BACK!!!!!

Just Day by Day

Where in the world have I been?
Things are so crazy around here lately
by the time I fall into bed at night I can't remember
the last time I sat down or sometimes if I had something to eat :)

With the end of the school year comes all the
activities, parties, and field trips!
Abby has softball and Kaden is doing baseball  -
so we are at the fields 3-4 times a week.
Throw in some dance and scouts and preschool.
Not to mention my dozen or so doctors appointments.
I am in the car or at Walmart a lot.

I think I am doing pretty well,
on the days I have time to think about it.
All the incisions have healed up beautifully
and everyday I am still in awe how doctors can do
this type of surgery.  I am truly blessed with how
smoothly everything went and continues to go.
(I finally made it back to sleeping in my bed!)

I  do struggle with how fast I seem to run out of energy and stamina.
(Plus the side effects of my meds that will last for the next 8 years.)
We went on my favorite hike on Mother's Day.
And I loved every minute of it - we were gone for about 5 hours.
But boy did I pay for it - the whole next week.
I was so tired and just couldn't keep up with anything.

There are a few areas that need to be addressed/fixed,
so I will be having another surgery in July.
I feel a little vain about it, but I figured I have been
through so much, I deserve to be happy with my reconstructed body!

I really liked this article, his words are so true.

Cancer Only Happens to Other People, Right?

By Steve Pake

Wrong. Although we know anyone can get cancer, no matter what age, health condition, or genetic history, we still never think it's going to happen to us. So, what do you do when it does?

 
I was never going to get cancer. It just wasn't in my life plan. Young adults don't get cancer, only older people. Even when young adults do get cancer, it was only something that happened to other people--not me.

After my cancer fight, I was just going to bounce back to life like everybody said I was going to and settle right into that "new normal." I wasn't going to suffer from chronic-fatigue issues for years due to the after effects of chemotherapy and chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy. I also wasn't going to have to walk around with an extremely uncomfortable stent for six months, trying to save a failing kidney. I also wasn't going to have terrible issues with anxiety, with depression, and with post-traumatic stress. I was just going to pop back to "normal" after cancer as though I merely had a really nasty case of the flu. Right?

The reality was, of course, very different. I couldn't keep up with my children and my body felt like complete hell and as though it had aged 30 years. I was in tremendous amounts of pain on a daily basis and my mind was a total wreck. My chronic fatigue after cancer was so bad, that I barely had the energy to make it through the day most days.

None of this was in my life plan. This wasn't the life that I had expected, nor was it the life after cancer that I had expected, either. Cancer threw so many unexpected challenges my way. Despite my best efforts, my post-cancer demons still managed to find ways back into my life, but I learned to evolve spiritually and to develop faith as the ultimate way of overcoming. 

Never give up, and never stop believing in yourself. Keep your hearts and your minds open, and surround yourself with positive and uplifting people that believe in you too, who can help to carry you during the times you might stumble.

Cancer wasn't in my life plan, but I've made a far better one now.

Six

Six weeks was the magical number to hit.
Most likely things have healed and
shouldn't give me future complications.
Shouldn't.

I saw my surgeon again today to have him look at everything.
Stomach incision looks good.
Some of the nerves running down my left leg either
got accidentally cut or hopefully just nicked or bumped.
This is causing numbness and pain.
If it is the first - it will be permanent.
If it is the latter - it will slowly get better.
Only time will tell.

My abscess is looking better too.
Just taking its time to heal.
I have developed a rash and blisters from the tape that
I use to cover the abscess though.
Hopefully that is all it is and not an underlying infection.
My doctor drew with a black sharpie around it and said
if it spreads outside the marked area he will call me in
a prescription for medication - oh goodie.

My hematoma is getting smaller.
I have been putting on heat and massaging it every night,
and I can definitely tell that helps, well that and ibuprofen.

All of my restrictions have been lifted - sort of.
I can slowly start lifting things over 10 pounds.
If possible, I can reach or stretch my arms above my elbows.
(I think this one will take time and occupational therapy
just like after my mastectomy - my range of motion is gone
and it is painful to raise my arms very high.)
Walking is still about the only exercise I should do.
I can try sleeping in bed but most likely will be going
back and forth between it and the recliner.


I still have quite a bit of pain in my upper chest on the left side.
From what I understand, in surgery they moved around the muscle
and then put stitches down to my new breast to help hold it in place.
But now the weight is pulling on the muscle and stitches and makes
it feel like it is ripping and separating inside my chest.
He thought it would be a good idea at this point to wrap ace bandages
around me.  It is a little bit of a guessing game - too tight and it will
constrict the new vessels and could cut off the blood flow to the flap; or
too loose and it won't do any good.
(On a happier note, after he wrapped me I looked down  - I  have cleavage!)

Then I talked to the doctor about all the various pains
I have been having; ribs, stomach, armpits, ect.

He explained a little bit more of how the DIEP surgery was done and
it makes a lot more sense as to why I am having pain in those areas.
But basically his bottom line was - I am overdoing it.

I struggle because I already feel like I am only doing half a job.
Half a wife, mom, housekeeper... - all of it.
Mom guilt is hard.
I know to take it easy.
I know I need to rest.
I know I don't need to do it all.
It is just hard.
But I know I will get there.

Coming Along

You would think since I really can't do much - I would at least update this blog more frequently.

I had a three week appointment with my doctor in St. George a few days ago. ( I am lucky to be able to have my follow-up appointment down here with my wonderful surgeon instead of having to travel back up to Salt Lake.)

The boring news - I still have numerous restrictions.
No lifting over ten pounds.
No reaching or grabbing things that extend my arms above my elbows.
No exercise or stretching, besides walking.
No laying flat, which means I am still sleeping in a recliner.
I hope in three more weeks most of these will be gone.

The ok news - I have a few spots along my incision that have started to split open.  My doctor is not too concerned yet but we are watching them to make sure they don't get infected or increase in length.
Otherwise, the rest of my incisions (which is a lot) look great! I have decided incisions are really weird.  Sometimes I have feeling and sometimes they are numb.  But a lot of the time it feels like a whole bunch of little needles are stabbing me.  I had shingles last year and it feels very similar.  All the nerves, from hip to hip, that were cut during surgery are firing and trying to establish new pathways - and it is painful, but I am told it is a good thing.

I also have developed a few hematomas in my left breast.  A hematoma is an abnormal collection of blood outside a blood vessel. It occurs because the wall of a blood vessel wall, artery, vein, or capillary, has been damaged and blood has leaked into tissues where it does not belong. However, depending on the size, location and cause of the hematoma, the area may need to be drained surgically.  Basically it is a pile of blood that has hardened.  Sort of feels like I have a few rocks on the outer edges of my breast.  Now that my back is feeling better (see below), this is what hurts the most.  It hurts to have anything touch them, but the doctor wants me to massage them in hopes of breaking them up and then my body will naturally re-absorb it.  

The good news - my back is getting stronger and feeling better.  Two weeks ago when I would try to walk down the hall I had such intense back spasms and shooting pain that I would have to stop and grab anything I could for fear of falling and crumpling onto the floor.  But now I am standing a bit straighter although the pain from trying to stretch the abdomen scar keeps me slightly hunched over still.

The great news -   I got my last of 5 drains pulled.  If you haven't ever had one I cannot explain to you the relief and freedom it is to get rid of them.  It is a love/hate relationship for sure.  I understand their necessity and function - but man are they painful, annoying and constantly in the way - and if you drop one - AWWWWWWW.

I also had a stitch right on my hip that had worked its way to the surface, so the doctor was nice enough to pull it all the way out. It hurt way more than the drain - maybe because he had to use pliers to get it out.

But the best news of all is my mother is still here.  She decided to stay another week to continue to help me.  She is so great to have here.  Not only does she do all the house stuff I dislike - dishes, laundry (how she gets it all done in one day I will never know), cooking and shopping.  She helps the kids with homework while I nap and is the chauffeur for me and the kids.  She modifies and sews my clothes so I have something to wear and helps me with all my wound care.  But my favorite - I love having her around to just sit and talk to.  I don't know what I would do without her. (Plus the fact that she is the one who will edit this so everything makes sense, is spelled right and has all the correct punctuation.)  Thanks Mom!!!

Also thanks to everyone for the calls, emails and texts asking how I am doing -

In short, I am doing good.