Happy 2018

I am happy to be done with surgeries.
I am happy to have some time to try to get caught up.
I am happy my kid are all healthy and doing well in school.
I am happy Ryan is still willing to work so hard so I can continue to stay home.
I am happy to only have 3 doctor's appointments (that I know of) this year!!

I am still tired and sore and having a few side effects lingering from surgery last month.
But I am getting back into life and a routine.
Only one more week sleeping in a recliner, wahoo!
Like most of us, I have a huge to-do list.
Mine goes back over three years.
Back to when my life was abruptly put on hold.
My goal this year is to get all caught up.
Pretty lofty goal, but I'm gonna try.
(That and maybe lose some weight and get healthier.)

I saw my oncologist in December and he was happy with
my numbers and everything, so I graduated to the 6 month plan.
I don't see him again until June - my 4 year diagnoses anniversary.
I joke around that I won't know what to do with all my free time.
Because usually it is spend in doctors offices.
I will have 2 more post-op appointments and then
I will be released from my surgeon's care.
It is a freeing feeling but also a very scary one at the same time.

I am super excited for this coming March.
Ryan and I have not been on a vacation,
just the two of us, since 2014.
This year I splurged.
It's all booked.
I am seriously starting to pack now.
I feel like we both so deserve this.
For 10 days we will be living it up in Hawaii.
On Kauai, Oahu and Maui.
And as an added bonus...
I get to visit one of my best friends who lives there.
Words cannot describe how excited I am!

This year is gonna be great!!
Happy 2018

Don't Look Back

Three years ago on December 4th, 2014 I began the surgery process.
The process of removing the cancer from my body.
The process of reconstructing what I was left with.

Now three year later, on December 6, 2017,
 I had what I hope will be my last and final surgery.
Over three years of surgeries.
My body is tired.
My mind is tired.
And the multiple scars are still ever present - in every aspect:
physical, emotional and mental.
Recovery is slow and painful but I am so grateful for family and
friends and strangers who are willing to pitch in and help wherever I need.

In the beginning I had this idea in my head of what would happen on this journey.
First would be chemo for 18 weeks, then surgery at the end of the year with immediate reconstruction.  At the time I didn't think I would need radiation. 
In my mind I would be done and complete with everything in less than 6 months
and I would go back to my "normal life."

Crazy how life, treatments and things beyond my control took
me in such a different direction.
I realize that my old life is gone,
and I think that is part of the mourning process with cancer.
It totally changes you.
You are not "you" anymore.
You become a different person, as you should.
You are supposed to grow and learn.
I think if you live through and with something such as cancer -
It should change you.
There is no going back.
There is no "getting back to normal."
It is you, however, that can decide if it will change you for the better or worse.
So while I am relieved that this journey is coming to an end,
in reality there will never be an "end" to this.
There are constant daily reminders of what has happened and what is on the horizon.
The end is an amazing feeling, but one that also brings a fear that I can't describe.
So I will keep moving forward, however slow I may be:
Because I have to.
Because I need to.
Because I want to.

I always wear a daily reminder; my favorite bracelet I had engraved with the words:
"Don't look back, you're not going that way."


Recently a friend, Cammi Higley, posted on Facebook:
"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths. This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable. I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days, mad days, funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days... cancer is every one of these. It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like you can't keep going - you do. You just do. You have to.
Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension. Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely... but the journey is. The people you meet are. The love that surrounds you is."

Seasons

I love fall.
I love the cooler weather and the change it brings in the air.
I love the rich colors in the trees and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
I love the family gatherings, parties and just general togetherness.
I love the food - lots of it.

But the end of the year also brings about doctor's appointments galore!
Sometime I feel like that is all my life is.
Waiting for appointments,  waiting in waiting rooms and waiting for doctors.

Appointments for post-op care from the last surgery.
Appointments for pre-op screenings for the next surgery.
Appointment for an ultrasound to monitor the nodule on my thyroid.
Appointments for issues with my feet.
Appointments for occupational therapy for my arm.
Appointments for problems with my neck.
Appointment for a DEXA scan to check my bone density.
Appointments with my oncologist.
Appointment for labs to do blood draws.

Gotta get them all in before the year is over
and the high deductible resets.
I keep pretty busy with just all these appointments,
then throw in all the kids activities and school.
Plus Christmas is coming.



I am exhausted when I fall into bed at night.
But it is a good tired and I am so grateful I
am still able to do all these things.
I am hopeful for the future where I will only have
1 or 2 appointments for the whole year, and no more surgeries!
I know it is coming, I can see the light at the end
of the tunnel and it will be amazing.

More Why's

I don't often use these words, but lately ...
I am mad.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am scared.
I am devastated.
I am heart-broken.
And frankly just pissed-off.

At who or what,
I don't know.

And why?
I don't know that for sure either.

What I do know is that I am having more survivors guilt. 
And I hate that these things are happening to friends I care about.

I found out yesterday that my old high school seminary teacher and friend, Dave Thurston passed away. We have been in touch throughout the years, especially after I was diagnosed, and a few months ago he reached out to me.  He told me he had just been diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. It was very advanced.  The doctors were giving him 6 months. That was just over 2 months ago.  I will be forever grateful that my family and I were stuck in traffic on the freeway one weekend in December last year.    Trying to pass the time I was scrolling through Facebook and noticed that he posted a picture of miles of backed-up cars.  I showed it to Ryan and mentioned how it looked a lot like where we were.  Ryan decided to see if he could find the exact spot the picture was taken from by looking for the license plate and vehicle in the center of the picture.  Sure enough he found Bro T sitting in his big rig, stuck in traffic, too.  Ryan called me and I quickly ran back, just a few dozen cars, and hopped into his truck.  Call it fate or destiny, chance or luck - I will call it serendipitous. Dave and I were able to sit and talk for hours about the past, kids and all the crazy things going on in both our lives now.  I will always treasure this last visit and remember his warm smile and incredible laugh. Thanks for being such a great teacher and caring friend Brother Thurston. I will miss you.

Also-

Yesterday one of my friends, Ryan, from support group had a PET scan followed by an appointment with her oncologist.  Her cancer is back and it is in her lymph nodes and has spread to some of her bones.  She was diagnosed about 8 months before me.  Same type of cancer.  Now she is Stage IV.  She was the first "cancer friend" I met.  She helped me so much in the beginning when I was first diagnosed.  I would text her random questions about things I didn't know or understand and she would always have time to answer me and give invaluable advice.  She welcomed me into group and made me feel supported, loved and not so alone.  My heart aches that she has to go through it all over again; port surgery, heart scans, new doctors, new meds and chemotherapy!  This woman is an amazing mother and an incredible teacher and caring friend. She is funny and strong and compassionate and brave, and honestly  - cancer picked the wrong chick to mess with because she is going to kick its @$$!!!  I totally love and admire you Ryan.

My 15 Minutes of Fame

A few weeks ago I went a beam signing for the new cancer wing at the hospital. 

There I met a lady who worked for the 

Communications Department at IHC.  

She asked me if I would be willing to 

share my story for their newsletter.  

Well here it is  - my 15 minutes of fame.

 https://intermountainhealthcare.org/blogs/topics/transforming-healthcare/2017/10/my-breast-cancer-story-kimberly-rosenberg/

My Breast Cancer Story: Kimberly Rosenberg

It was a hot June day when 35-year-old Kimberly Rosenberg answered a call from her doctor. What she heard on the other end of the line changed her life forever: “The test came back positive. You have breast cancer, Kim.” 

Kimberly was 9 months pregnant when she was diagnosed

Are Yuiz.

“I don’t know what happened after that,” Kimberly says. “My mind just didn’t process it. I remember crying and that’s about it.”

Kimberly was a mom of three and nine months pregnant at the time of her diagnoses in 2014. While playing with her children one day, she was accidentally hit in the chest. She shrugged off the pain at first, but then worried when it wouldn’t go away.   

“I was feeling the area and found a lump,” she says. “I didn’t think too much of it. I thought it was just related to pregnancy and hormones. I had an OB appointment coming up, so I figured I’d just ask her. Everything kind of snowballed after that.”

After finding out the lump was indeed cancer, things happened quickly for Kimberly. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy three days after getting the call, and then treatments began two weeks after that at Intermountain Dixie Regional Medical Center. Kimberly’s life was then filled with chemotherapy, radiation and various surgeries — including a double mastectomy and hysterectomy.

“I had my biggest surgery in January 2017,” she says. “It’s called the DIEP flap. You spend a week in the hospital, and then it probably took about four months to recover. They basically cut you open from hip to hip and dissect your stomach — tissue, skin, fat, and muscles — and use this to do breast reconstruction. The surgery was a little over 10 hours. It’s a big surgery. Now I am doing fantastic, I had a surgery in July and hopefully my last one in December.”

Fighting cancer and raising a young family is not an easy task, but Kimberly found strength through her caregivers, loved ones — especially her husband and mother — and the friends she met in a local breast cancer support group.

“One of the best support systems for me was Jilynne Hafen, the social worker at Dixie Regional,” she says. “I have cried in her office more times than I can count. She’s got me through some really hard times. The support group is also invaluable to me. We’re always trying to find other women who are going through the same thing. We don’t want anyone to feel alone or confused.” 

When her treatments began, Kimberly received several care packages from loved ones full of treats, blankets, water bottles and other useful items. She said it’s the little things that mean the most, like even a quick text from a friend. “I love getting an occasional text, email or phone call that just says, ‘Hey, we’re thinking about you and hope you’re doing OK,’” Kimberly says. “That really gives me a push and motivation. It keeps me going.”

Kimberly is getting better and better every day, and she doesn’t let breast cancer define her. She enjoys spending time with her family in the great outdoors, and looks forward to skiing — both water and snow — again when she fully heals. “I’m excited to get back into skiing,” she says. “I’ve had to take a two-year hiatus. Maybe next year I can return to all the activities I love.” 

For information on breast cancer services at Dixie Regional, visit http://bit.ly/2xeSmGI.

Why

Cancer has taken another life.
Why?

This morning I found out a friend has passed away.
She was diagnosed a few months after me in 2014.
Except her cancer came back and spread to her brain.
Why?

She fought.  She fought hard.
I saw her in July at our monthly support group meeting.
She looked good, happy.
Except the experimental treatments were not working and
the side effects were too great, it was no longer worth it.
She decided to quit all treatments as of a few weeks ago.
Less than a month!
Why?

I hate cancer.

She was amazing.
She had one of the most positive attitudes of anyone I have ever met.
My heart aches for her family - her husband and four children.

Most days I do pretty good.
My last surgery went well and I feel well.
In fact on Sunday we went hiking all day at the Grand Canyon.

I can't say I don't think about cancer - it is alway there, always on my mind.
But days like today - it feels like I hit a wall.
It is all I can think about.
A flood of "why" questions surface,
and I don't have any answers.
Survivors guilt is a complex emotion,
and I haven't figured out how to navigate it yet.

Last month I met a new friend at support group.
She is awesome.
She posted this on facebook - so I stole it from her.
Her words are perfect.

"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths. 
This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable. 
I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days, 
mad days, funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days... 
cancer is every one of these. 
It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like 
you can't keep going - you do. You just do. You have to.

Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension. 
Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely... 
but the journey is. 
The people you meet are. 
The love that surrounds you is."

Cammi Higley 9.4.2017 #fightforcammi #pinkforcammi #itsgonnabeokay

Speeding By

Time is speeding by.

The kids start school next Monday!

I am excited, they are not.

Well maybe Alyssa.

Gage will be an only child for 2 hours and 35 minutes, 5 days a week.

Maybe I will get caught up on some things-

probably not.

I am doing pretty good.

Surgery went really well and healing has gone great.

I did not realize how involved the removal of the standing cones,

points on my hips, was going to be.

Between fixing those and part of the left breast,

I came out of surgery with 18 new inches of incisions.

And for the record - compression garments suck!

All of them.  

The one on my arm is tolerable, I have had a lot of swelling in my arm from surgery, 

travel, bug bites and a run in with a metal shed corner that scratched my upper arm.

Crazy how all those things can affect my arm so much.

I am also wearing one that goes from rib cage down to my calfs.

It is super awesome in this 100 degree summer heat.

Overall, I am still sore and tired.

Always tired.

I feel like it takes forever to regain any strength and energy.

Actually I still don't feel like I have any strength or energy since this all

started over 3 years ago.

My surgeon wants to do one more surgery closer to the end of the year,

I told him I would think about it.

Not sure if my body can take any more.

It would be great though - give everything a nice finished 

look with almost perfect symmetry.

I love my new nose - and I will love it even more when the 

rest of the swelling goes down over the next 3-6 month.  

Compared to what I remember of the issues and pain from 

breaking it 18 years ago, this time was a sinch.  

I feel a little sad that I have missed out on some fun things this summer - 

zip lining, water skiing and rappelling - 

But next summer, 

Will be awesome!