More Why's

I don't often use these words, but lately ...
I am mad.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am scared.
I am devastated.
I am heart-broken.
And frankly just pissed-off.

At who or what,
I don't know.

And why?
I don't know that for sure either.

What I do know is that I am having more survivors guilt. 
And I hate that these things are happening to friends I care about.

I found out yesterday that my old high school seminary teacher and friend, Dave Thurston passed away. We have been in touch throughout the years, especially after I was diagnosed, and a few months ago he reached out to me.  He told me he had just been diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. It was very advanced.  The doctors were giving him 6 months. That was just over 2 months ago.  I will be forever grateful that my family and I were stuck in traffic on the freeway one weekend in December last year.    Trying to pass the time I was scrolling through Facebook and noticed that he posted a picture of miles of backed-up cars.  I showed it to Ryan and mentioned how it looked a lot like where we were.  Ryan decided to see if he could find the exact spot the picture was taken from by looking for the license plate and vehicle in the center of the picture.  Sure enough he found Bro T sitting in his big rig, stuck in traffic, too.  Ryan called me and I quickly ran back, just a few dozen cars, and hopped into his truck.  Call it fate or destiny, chance or luck - I will call it serendipitous. Dave and I were able to sit and talk for hours about the past, kids and all the crazy things going on in both our lives now.  I will always treasure this last visit and remember his warm smile and incredible laugh. Thanks for being such a great teacher and caring friend Brother Thurston. I will miss you.

Also-

Yesterday one of my friends, Ryan, from support group had a PET scan followed by an appointment with her oncologist.  Her cancer is back and it is in her lymph nodes and has spread to some of her bones.  She was diagnosed about 8 months before me.  Same type of cancer.  Now she is Stage IV.  She was the first "cancer friend" I met.  She helped me so much in the beginning when I was first diagnosed.  I would text her random questions about things I didn't know or understand and she would always have time to answer me and give invaluable advice.  She welcomed me into group and made me feel supported, loved and not so alone.  My heart aches that she has to go through it all over again; port surgery, heart scans, new doctors, new meds and chemotherapy!  This woman is an amazing mother and an incredible teacher and caring friend. She is funny and strong and compassionate and brave, and honestly  - cancer picked the wrong chick to mess with because she is going to kick its @$$!!!  I totally love and admire you Ryan.