Don't Look Back

Three years ago on December 4th, 2014 I began the surgery process.
The process of removing the cancer from my body.
The process of reconstructing what I was left with.

Now three year later, on December 6, 2017,
 I had what I hope will be my last and final surgery.
Over three years of surgeries.
My body is tired.
My mind is tired.
And the multiple scars are still ever present - in every aspect:
physical, emotional and mental.
Recovery is slow and painful but I am so grateful for family and
friends and strangers who are willing to pitch in and help wherever I need.

In the beginning I had this idea in my head of what would happen on this journey.
First would be chemo for 18 weeks, then surgery at the end of the year with immediate reconstruction.  At the time I didn't think I would need radiation. 
In my mind I would be done and complete with everything in less than 6 months
and I would go back to my "normal life."

Crazy how life, treatments and things beyond my control took
me in such a different direction.
I realize that my old life is gone,
and I think that is part of the mourning process with cancer.
It totally changes you.
You are not "you" anymore.
You become a different person, as you should.
You are supposed to grow and learn.
I think if you live through and with something such as cancer -
It should change you.
There is no going back.
There is no "getting back to normal."
It is you, however, that can decide if it will change you for the better or worse.
So while I am relieved that this journey is coming to an end,
in reality there will never be an "end" to this.
There are constant daily reminders of what has happened and what is on the horizon.
The end is an amazing feeling, but one that also brings a fear that I can't describe.
So I will keep moving forward, however slow I may be:
Because I have to.
Because I need to.
Because I want to.

I always wear a daily reminder; my favorite bracelet I had engraved with the words:
"Don't look back, you're not going that way."


Recently a friend, Cammi Higley, posted on Facebook:
"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths. This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable. I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days, mad days, funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days... cancer is every one of these. It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like you can't keep going - you do. You just do. You have to.
Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension. Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely... but the journey is. The people you meet are. The love that surrounds you is."