I Think So Too

I found this the other day while playing around the internet, wish I would have copied the source.

"I think so too.
That chair you’re sitting in?
I’ve sat in it too.
In waiting rooms. Chemo rooms. Prep rooms. For tests. Surgeries. Procedures. Radiation. Inpatient. Outpatient. Emergency visits. Routine visits. Urgent visits. To see generalists. Specialists. Surgeons. Alone. With friends. With family members. As a new patient. Established patient. Good news. Bad news. I’ve left with new scars. Prescriptions. Appointments. Words of wisdom. Theories. Guesses. Opinions. Statistics. Charts. Plans. Tests. Words of assurance. More bloodwork. Nothing new. Nothing gained. Nothing but a bill.

That feeling you’re having?
I’ve had it too.
Shock. Disbelief. Denial. Grief. Anger. Frustration. Numbness. Sadness. Resignation. Confusion. Consternation. Curiosity. Determination. Dread. Anxiety. Guilt. Regret. Loss. Pain. Emptiness. Embarrassment. Shame. Loneliness.

That day you’re dreading?
I’ve dreaded it too.
The first time you speak the words, “I have cancer.” The first time you hear “Mommy has cancer.” Anniversary day. Chemo day. Surgery day. MRI scan day. Decision day. Baldness day. The day the options run out.

Those reactions you’re getting?
I’ve had them too.
Stares. Questions. Pity. Blank looks. Insensitivity. Jaw-dropping comments. Tears. Avoidance.

Those side effects you dread?
I’ve dreaded them too.
Nausea. Vomiting. Pain. Nose bleeds. Bleeding gums. Weakened heart. Baldness. Hair loss. Everywhere. Unrelenting runny nose. Fatigue. Depression. Itching. Insomnia. Night sweats. Migraines. Watery eyes.  Loss of appetite. Loss of libido. Loss of breasts. Phantom pain. Infection. Fluid accumulation. Bone pain. Abdominal Pain. Neuropathy. Numbness. Joint pain. Taste changes. Weight gain. Weight loss. Mouth sores. Fevers. Anemia. Diarrhea. Brittle nails. Stomach aches. Bruises. Muscle spasms. Chills.

That embarrassment you’re feeling?
I’ve felt it too.
Buying a swimsuit. Getting a tight-fitting shirt stuck on my body in the dressing room. Having a child say “You don’t have any eyebrows, do you?” Asking the grocery line folks to “make the bags light, please.” Wearing a scarf. Day after day. Wondering about wearing a wig because it’s windy outside and it might not stay on. Holding on to the bannister for dear life.

That fear you’re suppressing?
I’ve squelched it too.
Will this kill me? When? How bad is chemo going to be? How am I going to manage my kids and get through it? Will my cancer come back and take me away from my life? Will it make the quality of life I have left so bad I won’t want to be here anymore? Is this pain in my back a recurrence? Do I need to call a doctor? What is worse: the disease or the treatment?

That day you’re yearning for?
I’ve celebrated it too.
“Your counts are good” day. “Your x-ray is clear” day. “Now you can go longer between appointments” day. “See you in a year” day. First-sign-of-hair day. First-day-without-covering-your-head day. First taste of food day. First Monday chemo-isn’t-in-the-calendar day. Expanders-out, implants-in day. First walk-without-being-tired day. First game-of-catch-with-the-kids day. First day out for lunch with friends day. First haircut day. “Hey, I went a whole day without thinking about cancer” day. “Someone asked me how I’m doing, I said ‘fine’ and I meant it” day.

That hope you have?
I have it too.
More research. Easier access. Targeted therapy. Effective treatments. Better quality of life. More options. Longer life. Less toxicity. Fewer guesses.
Ultimately, someday, for my children or grandchildren perhaps: a cure.
Don’t you think that would be amazing?
I think so too.

October 20th

I am sure for the next few years I will remember lots of anniversaries. 

Some will remain important forever and some will fade and become less significant.

Today, one year ago, I was sitting in the chemo infusion room getting my last big treatment.

My whole family showed up and surprised me with a party.

It felt so good to finally have 18 weeks of chemo behind me.

As with a lot of things that have happened over the last year,

sometimes it feels like yesterday and yet it also feels like a life time ago.

However I feel, I am grateful it is in the past.

Happy October 20th.

All is Well

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. MRI results came back today - no evidence of disease, everything is all clear !!!!! So relieved and happy. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.

Waiting for Friday

This past Friday the kid's school put on their annual Harvest Hop.
We buy drinks, cookies and eat pizza.
Then each grade puts on a dance.
Fun for the kids.
I had fun, too.
So much more so than last year.

As I sat there watching my kids dance - I felt so good.
Last year I got so tired and winded from the short walk
from the road to the pavilion, that I had to lay down,
for almost the entire performance.
I was so sick I couldn't even sit up.

I feel like things are getting "better."
Most days they are.
Then a day like today hits me and I struggle.
This morning I had an MRI.
An MRI will now be one of my annual appointments.
Just to check to make sure there is no cancer they can see.
It took about an hour.
But laying in this machine, with ear plugs and ear muffs on, staring at nothing
trying to drown out the horrendous noise!
Fear found me.
I was too afraid to cry.
I am not supposed to move.
I certainly didn't want to have to start over.

I don't want things like this to scare me.
But I don't know how not to be worried.
Waiting for the results.
Probably nothing.
But not sure how to process my feelings as I wait.

Two days.
Forty eight hours.
Trying to stay positive.

Short Update

Thought I would give a quick update.
I am actually feeling great.
Haven't taken any pain meds since Wednesday, last week.
Excited to switch the cancer meds, hopefully one that doesn't cause insomnia, weight gain, and hair lose as a side effects.
That might be wishful thinking though.
My left incision's glue came off too soon and it split open.
My doctor was great and got me right in to make sure everything was ok.
It is, I just have to keep a band aid over it.
But the best news of all...
The pathology report came back - no signs of cancer cells anywhere.
Wahoo!!!!!!

Thanks again for all the wonderful support and concerned calls.

Home and Doing Good

First off I want to thank everyone for the sweet words, thoughts and prayers.
I have received lots of beautiful flowers, plants, balloons and a yummy edible arrangement. 
Your support means so much to me, I feel very loved.

Disneyland was great. 
I only wish we had more time there. 
Two days was not enough. 
The kids had a blast and are already asking when we can go back.
I don't have the heart to tell them not for at least 5 years.

We got back very early Wednesday morning. 
I had 1 doctor appointment that afternoon, 2 on Thursday and 2 on Friday.
Getting everything in place for surgery Monday morning.
I had to be to the hospital at 5:45 am.

I got checked in and was taken back to OR by 7:30 am.
Surgery lasted only about 2 hours.
First my port was removed. (I asked if I could keep my port, I got a strange look but they agreed.)
I am a little sore at the incision site.

These are a few pictures of my port still in.
You can see the raised bumps on the first one,
that is to tell the nurse where to insert the needle.
The one below is the cord that goes from the port to the vein in my neck and over to my heart.
Then a few pictures of the chemo needles, one in and one just to see how big the needle is.

Here is my souvenir, not sure what I am going to do with it.

 

 I hate the tape they use.
This one stuck so well to my skin it actually pulled some of it off with the bandage.



Next was the Laparoscopic Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy with Hysterectomy.
So basically, removal of both ovaries, tubes and uterus.
(That was probably too much info so I will spare you the rest of the details.)
I will say how amazed I am at what doctors can do laparoscpicly.
The only evidence I have of this surgery is 3 small, less than 1/2 inch, incisions on my abdomen.
(One is in my belly button so I couldn't get a good picture of it, that is probably for the best)

And a very bruised arm from a failed IV.

The doctor said there was a mass on one of my ovaries, so everything has been sent to pathology.
I should get the results back in about a week.
He said he didn't think it looked like cancer, probably just a cyst.
Otherwise everything was very textbook and went great.

I was awake by lunch and by evening they had me up and walking around.
I do remember asking for the catheter to be removed as soon as I woke up.
One less pain I wanted to deal with.
I was having quiet a bit of pain from the air they used to inflate my abdomen. 
Apparently they have a hard time getting all of it out and most often the extra air rises up and sits
right under the ribs and presses on them and the diaphragm.
This also cause nerves to get pinched that go to the shoulder and neck.
I don't understand how it all works, but they said it would only last a few days.
But the most painful thing of all was my back.
More than the neck pain, incisions or abdomen pain put together.
I think laying on my back for most of the day really messed it up.
The back pain was the main reason I was taking my pain meds.
It hurt to sit, walk and lay.
I am so happy to be home in my own bed.
It does seems to be getting a little better everyday.

Thanks again the all the well wishes and continued concern.

Staying Busy

This month is filling up fast already.
In the last two weeks I have had 5 doctor appointments.
In the next couple of weeks I will have 5 more.

I did a little pampering for myself.
I had my hair dyed. 
I needed to cover up all the grey that was coming in.
I got some eye lash extensions - I love them.
I lost almost all of mine during chemo.
I am going to a luncheon for cancer survivors.
Last year I had just been diagnosed and was feeling the full effects of my first round of chemo.
Honestly I don't remember very much other than I didn't dare eat anything for fear of throwing up.
This time I imagine it will be different.
This year I am going with others survivors - friends.

Abby informs me everyday how many more days are left until we leave.
Disneyland is 8 days away!
I think I am ready.
I only hope my energy can keep up with them, just for a few days.
I really don't want to have to go back to the hotel room and rest.
I want to go on every single ride, with them!

I am getting nervous.
The surgery I had planned for October has now been bumped up.
It is 5 days after we get back from Disneyland.
I understand the reasoning behind needed a complete hysterectomy,
but I am scared for all the long term side effects.
I am not sure I am ready for this, again.
I guess I will have another excuse to take lots of naps.
I have a feeling I will be very, very tired.
(I am also having my port removed at the same time.)

I have nothing on my calendar for October, yet.
I know that will start filling up soon too.
Hopefully with less doctor appointments and with more fun activities.