Deja Vu

I feel like I am living my life
but from two years ago.
Total deja vu.

I didn't realize it when the hospital called to schedule my thyroid biopsy,
but it is on the same day, June 13th
exactly two years ago,
that I was having my breast biopsy done.

Waiting for the biopsy procedure to be done is hard.
You know something is there - growing, or festering seems a better word.
It is back!
Or is it?
Waiting for the pathology report results is even harder.

I hate sitting around.
I hate the quietness.
My mind starts to wander.
It is usually not so good thoughts.

So I turn on the radio ,
and the TV,
plus I have the kids in all kinds of activities this summer.
Just to keep busy.

Last time the thought of cancer wasn't even something I would have considered.
Now it is all I can think about.
Chances are it is nothing.
But I also know my chances of it being something - are greater.

I feel like I am trying to be two different people.
On one hand I want to be happy - but I am really scared.
I try to stay positive - but the negative thoughts are always right there.
I say everything is ok and smile - but really I just want to scream and cry.
How long can I go on like this?

First it was the headaches.
The fear of the cancer returning and spreading to my brain.
MRI - nothing was found - but I still get the headaches.
Now the fear of another cancer.
More surgery.
More toxins and chemicals.
More medication - this one would be for life.

Is this my future...
Fine for a few months,
then find something.
What is it?
Test, scans, biopsies.
Nope, all clear, you are good.
Repeat...
until it is not ok?