Time to Breath

On Tuesday I finished my last round of radiation!
31 rounds. 
The goal was 33 but my skin was not doing well,
so my radiation oncologist called it quits.
I can't say I am sad.
My skin is very red, sore and starting to peel off.
I am glad to be done.

What's next?

I will still receive Herceptin chemo treatments until the end of June.
I will still see the physical therapist for my arm.
I will still see the doctors - my oncologist, surgeon, plastic surgeon, and radiation oncologist to "check in".
I will still have surgeries, probably for the next few years - port removal, left mastectomy, reconstruction of both breasts and a hysterectomy.

In a few weeks I will starting taking a pill called Tamoxifen. 
Tamoxifen blocks the actions of estrogen, which is what my type of cancer needs to grow.
I am Triple Positive - meaning estrogen, progesterone and HER2 positive.
My doctor is hoping it will prevent any recurrence since I am at high risk due to my age and stage.
I have a prescription for 5 years. But studies are showing 10 years is better.

I could have an allergic reaction to Tamoxifen: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Or the more common side effects: hot flashes, bone pain, joint pain, or tumor pain, swelling in hands or feet; decreased sex drive, headache, dizziness, depression; or thinning hair.

Some of the serious side effects are:
sudden numbness or weakness, especially on one side of the body;
sudden severe headache, confusion, problems with vision, speech, or balance;
chest pain, sudden cough, wheezing, rapid breathing, fast heart rate;
pain, swelling, warmth, or redness in one or both legs;
nausea, loss of appetite, increased thirst, muscle weakness, confusion, and feeling tired or restless;
unusual vaginal bleeding;
pain or pressure in the pelvic area;
blurred vision, eye pain, or seeing halos around lights;
easy bruising, unusual bleeding (nose, mouth, vagina, or rectum), purple or red pinpoint spots under your skin;
fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms;
new breast lump; or
upper stomach pain, itching, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes).

And of course increased risk of uterine cancer, stroke, or a blood clot in the lung, which can be fatal.

While these side effects scare me I think it scares me more to be "done".
Sounds silly but these last 8 months have been a constant battle
doing chemotherapy, surgery and radiation to get rid of the cancer.
I felt like I was "battling" it.
The sicker I was the better the treatment was working. Right?
Now it feels like if I am feeling better, I am not fighting to get rid of it.
Sick meant getting better.  Now I am not "sick".
Now, they tell me it is gone, I'm done.
I am in remission.
Or NED - no evidence of disease.
Or maybe even cured!

I am all the words you can use to describe happy: joyful, delighted, pleased, thrilled, elated, ecstatic, blissful, overjoyed, excited, fortunate, lucky, glad, relieved - the list could go on and on.

But...

I am also scared.  Anxious. Emotional. Frightened. Fearful. Nervous. Terrified. Panic-stricken. Afraid. Lost. Broken. Suffering from survivor's guilt.

I will find my "new" normal. 

My cancer ends here!
But more importantly, I am grateful my story does not.