I have SURVIVED!

I have survived a needle punch biopsy.
I have survived the waiting.
I have survived "the call" with the diagnosis.
I have survived losing all my hair.

I have survived 2 MUGA Scans.
I have survived a Breast MRI.
I have survived PORT surgery.
I have survived 6 rounds of Taxotere, Cytoxan and Perjeta.
I have survived 23 weeks of Herceptin.
I have survived 6 Nuelasta shots.

I have survived 3 blood transfusions.
I have survived 10 blood draws.
I have survived 33 needle pokes.
I have survived a mammogram.

I have survived a guide hook wire procedure.
I have survived 2 major surgeries.
I have survived 5 days in the hospital, without my children.
I have survived the loss of my breast (and implant).

I have survived 32 prescriptions (not including over the counter and hospital meds).
I have survived 32 doctors and specialists appointments.
I have survived the countless hours in a waiting room, the side effects and the tears.
I have survived the "whys" and the "what ifs".

I have the scars, both emotional and physical, to prove I have SURVIVED!

These last 6 months have been a blur.  At times, the days seem to pass by so fast
and at other times it seems to stand still. 
I am ready for this year to be over and excited for the new things that await in 2015.
Thank you again to everyone who has helped me and my family on this journey.
I wish you all happiness and health in the new year.

Not One

I don't have any doctors appointments this whole week, not one!  That hasn't happened since my diagnosis in June.  Whatever will I do...  oh wait the kids are out of school all week.

Overwhelmed with Love

When I used to work, every year we would find a family in need and do a Sub for Santa for them.  I never thought, in a million years that I would be on the receiving end of one of them.  Of course when I was told about the idea, I politely declined.  But they went ahead anyways.  The other weekend my father in law delivered the presents.  Everyone kept carrying in box after box and all I could do was sit down and cry.  I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of love.  Ryan walked in a saw me crying and joking said, "It sucks to be loved."  He always knows how to make me smile.  I don't even know these people.  (It is my sister's husband’s sister's work - if you could follow that)  They bought tons of present for the kids, lots gift cards for Ryan and I, cash, a box called movie night with all kinds of goodies and movies, even a box full of food for Christmas dinner!! 
Then a few days ago, the bishop brought by a bag with a present for everyone in the family. Add that to the friends, neighbors and family presents.  My living room has exploded with gifts!   I feel so fortunate that there are these amazing, caring people out there and thought about me and my family.  I will never be able to say it enough - thank you. 
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 














This is also in addition to the You Caring website that is still up and helping with all the medical bills. 

Plus about 2 weeks ago my mother in law came down to visit.  The first thing she did was hand me a card.  Inside was full of cash and dozens of sweet notes and words of support and encouragement.  Her whole office and the surrounding offices surprised her and did this.   Wow.  I really am at a loss for words.

People are amazing!! 

We got spoiled.




















I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

 

What's Next

For the month of December:
2 major surgeries
2 little chemo treatments
7 doctor appointments
Another heart scan
and ...
I am not sure what else. 

I still need to meet with the radiologist.
Radiation should start in January, hopefully on the 18th. 

I have started meeting with the lymphedema specialist who will hopefully help me get better function back in my right arm.

I am told not to think about reconstruction for at least a year.

I am so torn between my feelings. 
Honestly I don't know what to feel. 
I am grateful...
but I also feel robbed not being able to nurse Gage.  Or hold him on my chest. Hell I am not even supposed to pick him up.
But I am still here and I am still fighting.  I don't have a boob, so what. 
My family, kids and friends give me strength and the will to keeping pushing.
I am getting there... slowly, a day at a time.

A few days ago was hard.  Really hard.  I really looked at my scar for the first time.  I kinda wish I hadn't.  I really wish I hadn't. 
Truthfully it scares me.  I can't explain how or why.  I hope in time I will get used to it. Just need more time again.

 While playing on the internet I found these cool quotes about scars:

"I think scars are like battle wound - beautiful, in a way.  They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it."  - Demi Lavato

"Scars should remind you of where you've been. But they don't have to dictate where you're going.

"Scars are tattoos with better stories"

"Just because the scars have healed, doesn't mean that the pain has"

And my favorite:

 

"Never be ashamed of a scar.  It simply means you were stronger that whatever tried to hurt you."

 

 

Sometimes I feel like this journey just keeps getting longer and I am pushed into the next phase before I have fully processed the last one.  After everything I have been through, I still have a hard time believing this is my life.  I am struggling to find the new normal when I want what used to be so bad.

I AM CLEAR...

I got a call from my surgeon today. 
The pathology from the second surgery came back, "Kimberly I can technically say your margins are clear!!!" 
Some cancer cells were found the extra tissue they took but no cancer cells were found in the extra muscle. 
1 of the 5 lymph nodes have cancer cells but they are not going to remove anymore - just radiate the site more.
Sigh of relief.

Stolen Light

The month of November:

Most of my taste buds have returned and food is starting to taste normal.
Only 2 little chemo treatments.
2 blood draws for labs and 1 blood transfusion.
Five doctor appointments.
And a mammogram.

Thanksgiving at the farm was wonderful.  I tried not to think about what was around the corner and just enjoyed the day.  Hanging out and playing with all the family.  Ryan even got to help birth a baby calf.  My mom let him have naming rights - Penny is cute and has black curly hair like Ryan!

Then is was time to go home.

 Reality was coming.

Monday, Dec 1st was crazy!!  I had a list a mile long of things that I wanted to get done, knowing the next day was surgery and I had no idea what to expect for recovery time and mobility after.  Tons of errands, buying supplies for after surgery - bras, pillows, and shirts that buttoned up the front so I could dress myself. Plus getting groceries so there would be some food in the house, talking to the kid's teachers to let them know what was going on and finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping.  Oh, and a small chemo treatment.  I was so tired by the end of the day! 

I couldn't sleep, in fact I held Gage on my chest and watched him sleep all night.

The morning came way too soon.

I had to be at the hospital at 6:45am.  

This surgery was happening. 

After the previous month's appointment with my 2 surgeons I had mostly come to terms with having a mastectomy because they were going to be able to save some of the surface tissue and put the permanent implant straight in.  I was actually seeing a little glimmer of light - a positive outcome to all that I had been through so far.  I wouldn't have to endure the 6 months to a year with painful tissue expanders and I wasn't going to have to come home ... well, flat.

I checked into the hospital about 7am.  First they got my in my fancy gown and IV in.  Then I headed procedure - it wasn't.  It took over an hour because of the where and the angle of the tumor and it hurt.  I will spare you most of the details but imagine a mammogram lasting an hour, numerous shots around the tumor (my breast) to numb it so they could stick big wires through my breast to mark the original size of the tumor before the chemo shrunk some of it.  Then back to the surgery waiting area.   I didn't get into surgery until after one. I was under the impression I would only be in the OR for 3 maybe 4 hours.  To be honest I don't remember much of anything after kissing Ryan goodbye.  A few hours later the first surgeon came out after he was done and talked to my mom and Ryan, he told them the surgery went well. He was able to remove all of what he believed were cancer cells, took out a cluster of 5 lymph nodes, but he also had to cut a nerve that runs down my arm (which may never get feeling back and always be numb).  Then the reconstructive doctor began his work putting in an implant.  It was a lot more involved than I ever thought and I didn't get back to my room until around 7pm.  Again I don't remember much of anything.  Okay, I lie - I remember pain.  A lot.  My mom tells me that every time a nurse asked how I was I couldn't really answer and every breath I took I moaned.  Apparently I got multiple doses of something stronger than morphine, and that wasn't helping so the nurse called my doctor with what to give me next.  I got some morphine.  They were hoping I would be able to eat a little something so they could give me longer lasting pain meds by mouth.  I do remember my mom trying to feed me yogurt and after two or three bites, I told her to get me something to throw up in.  Next I got some nausea meds.  I must have just gone to sleep cause I don't remember anything else about that night.  (My doctor told Ryan I shouldn't remember anything - so apparently Ryan wanted to confess all his darkest secrets, I don't know if he did :)  The next morning I was still pretty groggy and when the reconstructive doctor came in all I could ask was why my sternum hurt and that it was painful to breathe.  So when he put the implant in, he inserted it under the muscle.  Therefor he had the cut the muscle off my collar bone, ribcage and sternum.   He put the implant in and needed a little extra skin so he had to use cadaver skin and stitched it with my muscle to my sternum to give a pocket for the implant.  That is how I kinda understand, I really am not 100% sure all the technically stuff, but it looked good. 

I hurt.

I was trying to eat and at least get up to go to the restroom and walk around the floor a bit.  I opted to stay another night because of the pain. 

That evening my surgeon (the removal one) came by.

He had bad news. 

Pathology came back.  The margins around the tissue were not clean.  Which meant I would have to go back to the OR.  Basically starting over -  cut and remove all the skin that was saved, scrape the muscle, remove the implant, not replace it with anything because there would not be enough skin.   Actually, now they would have to use some of the skin from under my arm/back area to cover the large hole.

I couldn't think about it anymore.

I officially hit my lowest point.  My hope was gone.  I couldn't see the light anymore.

I cried, most of the night.

Thursday morning came with the two surgeons trying to find a time to get me back in the OR as soon as possible.  The second surgery started around 3pm and lasted almost 3 1/2  hours.  Physically this one was so much easier but emotionally I was a mess.  Still am.

I ended up staying in the hospital until Saturday afternoon.  5 days.  Originally it should have only been 1 or 2. 

Thank you to everyone for all the flowers I received.  They all are so different and so beautiful, my house smells like a florist shop.

 I am getting around ok. No lifting more than 10 pounds, can't raise my arm more than 45 degrees plus I get to start doing fancy arm exercises soon.  Physically doing great.  My wonderful mother is still taking care of the household.  The house has never looked better or been cleaner.  She is even getting Gage on a schedule and he is SO much happier!

Ryan has become my nurse.  Changing my bandages, cleaning and draining the fluids from the drain tube, and wrapping me. All while wiping away my tears. 

I haven't brought myself to look at the incision.  But he tells me it looks like the Nike swoosh. 

And he still tells me I am beautiful.

Late - But Still Grateful

Grateful Day 23 - Siblings, parents, in-laws and aunt - You know who you are.  I could not be getting though this without your help.  From meals, to baby sitting to a listening ear - I am grateful for you.

Grateful Day 24 - Good Days and Bad Days - the bad days suck but without them I would not fully appreciate the good ones.

Grateful Day 25 - My Mother - Wow.  I can not begin to thank her enough.  She comes for weeks at a time and takes care of everything!  Running the errands, grocery shopping, fixing dinner, taking care of all the kids and me.  She does all the chores and keeps the house running all while I am taking a nap.  I could not do this without her.  I am forever grateful for her.

Grateful Day 26 - To be here - I read stories every day in the news about women who are dying from breast cancer.  Different types, different stages - but breast cancer none the less.  Some days I struggle, some days I have to just remind myself to breathe and focus on the big picture.  I am sick, I have no hair, no energy - but I am here.  And I am grateful to be here.

Grateful Day 27 - Found - I am grateful my tumor was found when it was. The last month of my pregnancy was incredibly difficult but I would have not wanted it any other way.  If the cancer would have been found sooner, Gage would probably not be here as the chemo treatments most likely make you infertile, or they would have wanted me to abort him, or I would have made the hard decision to risk my life to carry him to term and have the cancer spread before treatment could be started.  It was found the month he was due, diagnosed just day before he was born.  I got to complete my family; a lot of other women don't get that chance.  I am grateful for the timing.

Grateful Day 28 - Gage - Oh that boy has the most amazing smile and it just melts my heart.  He is making this fight worth it and most days he is my saving grace.  I could sit and snuggle that boy all day long, of course he won't sit still for longer than a second now.  One of the hardest things for me to deal with emotionally is the fact that I feel like I got robbed of some of the most wonderful parts of having a newborn.  I was only able to nurse for a week.  I had to leave him to go to doctor appointment, scans, test and surgeries a lot; in fact I left him more in his first 2 weeks of life than I left Abby in her first year.   But I am grateful he is here and he is safe even with me having cancer while pregnant with him.

Grateful Day 29 - Ryan - How could I even function without him?  He is my rock and the most amazing father and husband.  He is the hardest worker I know, and after working all day he still comes home with so much energy.  He plays with the kids, takes care of them, cleans up, does the dishes, helps with the laundry, bathes the kids.... the list goes on and on.  His arms make me feel safe.  He comes with me to all my doctors’ appointments, asks the questions I can't, or don't even think of.  He supports my decisions - whatever they may be.  He is quiet but strong.  He has the best sense of humor and can make me smile when I want to cry.  He has literally seen me at my worst and still tells me I am beautiful.   I am so grateful he is my best friend and husband.

Grateful Day 30 - Numb - This is good for me, not so good for those around me.  After everything that has happened so far, I still feel like I could wake up tomorrow and this would all be a bad dream.  The only way I am getting through this is to be numb to it all.  I am sorry if I don't want to talk about it, or even talk in general.  Some days I just don't want to feel anything.  Being numb is just the way I cope and survive.

Grateful Day 31 - Happening To Me - After watching Alyssa get worse and worse in the hospital, then being life flight-ed, watching her struggle to breath and being too weak to sit up, I am grateful this diagnosis is mine. I would rather have it a thousand times over than to have to watch one of the kids go through this.  I wish I didn't have to worry about them ever developing this disease but at least I know it is not hereditary.  When Alyssa was so sick that was some of the hardest and scariest days of my life, I don't know if I could handle watching one of my kids go through what I have been through.  As crazy stupid as this sounds, I am grateful I am the one who has cancer.