Some Days I Don't

Sometimes others can write what I am feeling so much better:

Some days I don’t
Feel like a gift,
Do much,
Go anywhere,
Want to do this.

Some days I don’t
Know how to get out,
Or want to be the brave one,
Be the strong one.

Some days I don’t
Understand quite how I got here,
Care to see where it is going,
Even want to imagine what it will be like after.

Some days I don’t
Have any words,
Or the strength to take them from my head
And put them on a screen.

Some days I don’t
Believe that this is what my life is,
What it has come to,
Or even think I have woken up for the day.

Some days I don’t
Wish to believe the best days are over,
Know if the adventures have ended,
Want to believe that it can be true that they are.

But even on the days I don’t…
Somewhere inside I know I must
Press onward,
For whatever that means,
For right now.
So every day that is just what I do.

Grateful Day 15 - Meds - I have a lot of them.  Some I take every day and some just one in a while or as side effects creep up.  Before this I hardly ever took any medication, maybe for a headache or a sinus cold once in a while.  I swear I have my very own little pharmacy, and I am grateful there are drugs to help alleviate some of the pain.

 

Grateful Day 16 - Scarfs, Hats & Caps - I am not brave, at least not brave enough to go out in public bald.  I am too self-conscious.  I am grateful for all the cute scarfs and caps that I can wear.  I found one style that I love and have bought 6 of them - in all different colors of course.  (I still have not gotten used to the way I look bald, hopefully my hair will start to go in now that I am done with the big chemo’s)

 

Grateful Day 17 - Alyssa - She is so dang cute.  She doesn't really want to hold Gage too much anymore but she will run and get me all the diapers, wipes and binkies I need.  Her bottles and binkies ended so abruptly when she went in the hospital that I think she still misses them.  I miss her being little, but she is so sweet and a great helper, and she just makes me smile.

 

Grateful Day 18 - Chemo Nurses - I have gotten to know a few of them, and they are the best.  Always there to help and listen and answer my thousands of questions.  They are always smiling and they make being at treatment not as bad.

 

Grateful Day 19 - Strangers -   They stop me at Walmart or McDonalds, to ask if I have cancer and if I am going through treatment.  They ask how I am truly doing and then they offer me words of encouragement.  I don't have their names but I am grateful others are out there and willing to share their story.  Grateful for the strangers who want to help.

 

Grateful Day 20 - You Caring Website - If I would have been asked if doing this website was okay, I would have politely said no.  But, I am grateful for it.  I am at a loss for words, so to the family, friends and strangers your contributions have been surprising and greatly appreciated.  (And thanks again to Anji for setting it up)

 

Grateful Day 21 - Taste buds - Oh how I miss them.  I am told they will come back, and they have a little.  When I was in the middle of treatments, everything tasted horrible.  Not just bad but a kind of spoiled and rotten taste.  Now things just taste off and different.  I am glad my taste buds are slowly returning.

 

Grateful Day - 22 Smoothies, Ensures and Mac & Cheese - Without these 3 items, I would not have eaten during chemo.  This is what I survived on.

 

My Nephew's Reflection Entry

I am speechless, and in tears.  The world would be a better place.  Thank you Ty!

  The World Would Be A Better Place If . . .

By Tyson

Broccoli tasted like chocolate

Everyone threw their trash in the garbage

Bullies were kind instead of mean

I scored a goal every play in soccer

My aunt didn’t have cancer

There were no bad drugs

You could get your driver’s license at age eight

Disneyland was free

Little brothers didn’t break things

All kids had a loving family and a dog

Happy

Lets keep the gratefuls going..

Grateful Day 8 - Chemo - Yep you just read that right. Although I would not wish chemo treatments on my worst enemy... it has done its job.  My tumor is less than half of what it was when it was first found!!!!  Yea, you just read that right too.  Plus it helped me lose 50 pounds in 4 months.  (That may sound like a lot but I gained almost 70 with this last pregnancy).  Chemo sucks but I am grateful for it.

Grateful Day 9 - Kaden - I love how positive this kid is.  He is the first to run and get me baby supplies when I need them.   He does his homework and chores without me asking a dozen times.  He is such a good kid.  Love him!

Grateful Day 10 - Side effects or lack of - While I had my fair share of side effects, some easy to deal with, others very painful, I am grateful for the ones I did not get.  Like tons of mouth sores (I only got a few) or losing my finger and toe nails.  I have also heard of random intense itching and the loss of feeling in the fingers and toes.  I feel like I have been very lucky.

Grateful Day 11 - Turkey - the county -  That was a great trip and great timing.  I am so glad I got to have an amazing vacation with my husband before, well before, our life blew up. ( I don't know how else to describe everything that happened since then with Alyssa and me).  It was a wonderful experience, saw amazing places, ate a few things I really didn't know what they were and enjoyed spending time with Ryan.

Grateful Day 12 - Naps - Why did we fight them when we were young.  I love them and honestly would not survive some days without them.  I think I could take multiple naps a day if I could.

Grateful Day 13 - Neighbors - I am amazed how many neighbors volunteered to bring meals over, for months.  They first started when we came home with Alyssa, then continued after I had Gage and kept coming when I started chemo.  Most of  these women I didn't even know.  I am grateful for home cooked meals that I didn't have to cook.

Grateful Day 14 - Friends - I have such amazing friends.  They offer to watch my kids, give me boxes full of goodies and things to make my day better, and offer words of encouragement.  I love getting texts, phone calls, comments on the blog and emails.  Thank you for keeping me going.

Positive

I have been struggling a lot lately.

As the date of my surgery gets closer the more scared, depressed, mad (and a whole bunch of other emotions I can't even describe) I am getting.

Most of these feelings take me to a dark place and if I spend too long thinking about it, I really think I could cry all day...

So this being November, the month of gratitude, I am going to write about 30 things or reasons why I am grateful - related to cancer.

I am already a behind so here it goes....

Grateful Day 1 - Lidocaine Cream - Since I have a port, it means everything I have done, such as blood draws or chemo treatments or blood transfusion or Muga scan contrast, it is injected through my port.  I get stuck with a needle a lot and all in the same spot.  If I remember to put on the lidocaine cream an hour before, it numbs the area and it doesn't hurt as bad.  As of today I have been poked 25 times.  I am grateful for this cream.

Grateful Day 2 - Insurance - Even with the crappy plan we have that hardly covers anything and has a high deductible and max out of pocket, we would be bankrupt without it.  Between Alyssa's hospital stay and life flight and my treatments and upcoming surgeries we will hit well over half a million dollars (maybe more) in medical expenses this year.  But ever since we hit the max out of pocket in July, insurance has been picking up 100% and I love receiving statements that say, "Total Member Responsibility $0.00."

Grateful Day 3 - Social Media and Technology - I am not good about talking about how I feel or to lots of people, so I love being able to blog or Facebook to let everyone know how I am doing and what is going on.  I am grateful for the concerned texts, email, and comments.  This is a lot easier for me, I don't like crying on the phone or in person, while trying to smile and saying everything is okay.

Grateful Day 4 - Walks - Most days I don't have a lot of energy, but when I wake up feeling okay I love to walk the kids to school.  It feels so good to be tired because I got out and did something not just because I am sick.

Grateful Day 5 - No razors or gel and blow dryers- If I had a choice I would choose hair, I miss my hair.  But I will admit it has been nice not having to shave my legs or armpits.  And if I want to I can shower and be ready to walk out the door in less than 15 minutes.   No blow dryers, no gel, no styling.  Just grab my hat and go.  I am also very grateful that I did not lose all my eyelashes and eyebrows.

Grateful Day 6 - Doctors - The only doctor I have had since I got married was my OB/GYN.  Now I have over half a dozen all working together to help me getting rid of this stupid cancer.  From my oncologist to the geneticist, the surgeons (general and reconstructive), and radiologists.  I feel really comfortable with all of them and am very glad they are on my team.

Grateful Day 7 - Abigail - This girl knows how to push my buttons, but I don't know what I would do without her help.  She puts up a fight to do her homework and chores, but if I ask her to hold Gage she never says no.  She can get him to laugh though his tears, she  will take him outside to swing and she help with feedings.  She is a good big sister and great daughter.

Steps

Todays treatment was the official end of my 6 rounds, 18 weeks, of chemo!

My numbers today were even worse than last week so I have to go back tomorrow for my third blood transfusion.

Wednesday is an appointment with my oncologist.

Thursday back for more labs.

Friday is a doctors appointment with the reconstructive surgeon.

To be honest I am tired.

I hate that cancer is running my life.

I have so many other things I want to be doing and focused on.

I feel like getting through chemo was a  huge milestone, until I realize how much further there still is to go.

Surgery, Heal, Radiation, Heal, Surgery, Heal, Surgery, Heal, Surgery? - plus at the same time getting chemo Herceptin treatments.

I will be in and out of surgeries for the next year, maybe longer.

I just have to keep reminding myself one step at a time.