The Big 5!

Not to be confused with the big 5-0!

Which I am not even close to...

I did however just celebrate the big 4-0.

And my awesome family managed to throw me a surprise party.

I have sat down a number of times to write this blog update and

 am struggling to find adequate words.

I am not sure what to say, 

but I seem to have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

So forgive me if this is long and a little all-over-the-place.

Last month I was fortunate to be able to attend a 

cancer survivor adventure retreat hosted by 

Image Reborn and The Little Wellness Place.  

Ryan and Michelle, two of my friends from support group, 

and I drove to the distant, big city of Leeds. 

Just kidding, it is a super small town about 20 minutes away. 

There we met up with 9 other survivors - from SLC, Vegas and California - 

at this big, beautiful vacation home.

How do I begin to describe this courageous group of women?  

We were all so different. 

Different backgrounds. 

Different ethnicities. 

Different lifestyles. 

Different careers and hobbies.  

Some newly diagnosed, some still in treatment, 

some re-diagnosed and one 25 years in remission!!   

Yet we all had this 1 thing in common - Breast Cancer.  

We were all there trying something new.  

Trying to be brave.  

Trying to be open to new ideas.  

Trying to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves.

It is astonishing to me how this life-altering scary disease 

can instantly make you feel so close and connected 

to someone you have never met before.  

We spent the weekend laughing, meditating, relaxing, 

hiking, crying, doing yoga, getting acupuncture, 

canyoneering and repelling (in a hailstorm no less), 

swapping stories, staying up late, eating delicious food 

and well, just being.

The four women, Ally, Rachelle, Amanda and Savannah, 

(and the many more behind the scenes I don't know about) 

who put this retreat together were incredible!  They thought of everything.  

From the first moment I walked in and they all hugged me, 

I felt accepted and welcomed.  

As someone who does not open up and let people in very easily, 

I was surprised how quickly I was at ease when I was around them; 

there was this immediate bond and trust.  

(Which, if you understood how much I hate needles, was very helpful 

when Amanda was doing acupuncture on me.  PS It didn't hurt!)  

They were not just there to plan and organize the days - 

they were doing all the activities with us, fixing our meals 

and telling us their stories.  You could genuinely feel how much 

they cared and wanted to be there to help in any way possible.

The theme for the retreat was, "I am."

During a meditation walk, we were asked to complete that sentence.

Some of my answers are personal and will stay with me, 

but here are a few of my answers:

I am scared.

I am healing.

I am learning to let go.

I am still angry sometimes.
I am grateful.

I am capable.

I am hopeful.

I am here.

But my favorite was simply,

I am.

It has been 5 years -

60 months, 261 weeks, 1,825 days, 43800 hours, 

2,628,000 minutes and 157,680,000 seconds (but who's counting?)

since I heard those three, life-altering words of "You have cancer."

I think anyone who has been through something traumatic can agree,

some days if feels like yesterday - so raw and full of emotion and

yet other days it feels like a lifetime ago - almost not real because I have come so far.

My hair is longer than when I had to shave it all off - with some purple color added.

My physical scars have all healed.

Looking at me you would never know the battles I have fought.

Mentally, emotionally and physically - and I like it that way.

I no longer "look" like cancer.

This doesn't mean I still don't have struggles or bad days or relapses, I do.

I have battles that are won and sometimes lost - everyday.

But I am so grateful for another day to try again.

To fight and win them.

I meet with my oncologist for the last time in July.

A scary, joyous, terrifying, exciting, and weight-releasing thought.  

I have seen this doctor, who I adore, more over the course 

of the last 5 years than some of my family members.

I feel confident it will be the shortest and nothing-of-consequence appointment.

I feel I am still NED - no evidence of disease!

I feel this journey is at the end of a chapter.

Same book, just ready to turn the page.

Thank you to those who still follow this blog.

To those who check in on me and ask family how I am doing.

I am so grateful for all the love and support from 

family and friends, near and far.

Please know, I really am doing well.

The following words are from a friend's multiple facebook posts.  

I don't know her very well but her words are beautiful and so true.  

Thanks Cammi for sharing your thoughts and feelings. 

"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths. 

This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable. 

I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days, mad days, 

funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days... cancer is every one of these. 

It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like you can't keep going - you do. 

You just do. You have to.

Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension. 

Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely... but the journey is. 

The people you meet are. The love that surrounds you is.

I’m not mourning this day.. 

I’m choosing to recognize the hard work and hard choices 

I make every day that got me here.  

I feel more compassion. More love. More forgiveness. 

More understanding. More peace. More resilience. 

More hope. More. More. More.  

I have been given more than I could have imagined... 

I am truly blessed and know that life is short."

It's Great

I am still here.
Still adjusting to this new life - AC - after cancer.

Thanksgiving was great.
Christmas was lots of fun.
But to be honest I am a little relieved they are over.
I try to kept the holidays simple, but I get excited and go overboard.
I create my own stress.
I need to stop that,
or at least lessen it.
If you know the secret, please share it.

I have been feeling this anxiety for the last few months.
(Not related to the holidays)
I am sure if you ask my family, a bit more on edge and ornery.
I knew I had a doctor's appointment coming up in January.
I had no reason for worry or concern.
But yet negative thoughts lingered in the back of my mind.
Last week I had to go have blood drawn for multiple tests my oncologist wanted to run.
Numbers to check & levels to monitor.
Basically more things for me to stress over and worry about.

I adore my oncologist.  I obviously trust him with my life.
So, yesterday when he walked in the exam room with a smile on his face,
a huge weight that I had been carrying around was lifted.

I had a list of questions and concerns I wanted to address.
He was super patient and took his time explaining everything, as always.

We talked about the results of my blood test.  
Red and White blood counts right on.
Kidney function great.
Thyroid good.
Cholesterol back where it should be.  
(When I first starting taking my medication, it did crazy things to my cholesterol.)
Plus about 6 dozen other items I am not even sure what they are, 
but the bottom line was everything looks great!

We talked about the new studies that show the oral medication I am on, 
called an Aromatase Inhibitor or AI.
It shows it IS beneficial to be on it for 10 years, not the debated 5 years.
So only 6 1/2 more years to go!

We talked about the targeted chemotherapy drug recently approved, Nerlynx.
He explained that even if it was available at the time I was diagnosed, he would not have changed my  treatment plan.  Another sigh of relief knowing I was fortunate enough to have gotten the best and most medically advanced drugs for my treatment.

We talked about upcoming tests and how often I need to do them.
No more MUGA tests, for my heart.  
No more Mammograms or Breast MRI's since I don't have any more breast tissue.
No more Ultrasounds on for the nodule on my thyroid - it has been stable and hasn't changed in size for the last few checks.
I will need a DEXA scan every two years to monitor my bones.  Without estrogen I am very prone to bone density loss and osteoporosis. Next one is in December.
Blood work will need to be done annually. Done for another year.
And eventually in a few years - a colonoscopy. Yippee.

So what's up next?
I have an appointment in June. 
That's it.  
It is a strange, but good feeling.
Gonna try to keep my anxiety in check and not worry so much.
And in the words of my doctor, "Everything looks great, just keep doing whatever you are doing!"

I'm Finally Feeling Done

Life was feeling a little bit off lately.

Almost like I don't know what to do or how to feel.

I think it's because I don't know what is next.

For the last 4 years I have alway had some kind

of treatment or surgery on the horizon.

That's how I lived - I just gotta get through this next _______.

Kinda like living paycheck to paycheck.

But for me it was like living surgery to surgery.

Well - I don't have a next.

I think...

I am finally done.

No more treatments, chemo, radiation or surgeries.

I just had my last follow-up doctor's appointment from my surgery 8 months ago.

He has officially released me from his care.

"Call me if you need, but I hope I don't see you anytime soon."

I see my oncologist in January to do some blood work,
and then I won't see him again for 6 months.

After that, I will only see him once a year.

Quite difference from seeing him every 3 weeks.

So I did something the beginning of this year that I didn't think I would ever do -
I scheduled an appointment with a tattoo artist.

This is what I am considering my final step of this journey.

It was at a place called Little Vinnies.

They book up really fast - I got scheduled for October. 

Almost a year wait, but I feel lucky because 

in the past it has been a 2 year waiting list.

Women from all over the world go to this little tattoo parlor,
located in a small town in Maryland called Finksburg.

What is so special about this tattoo parlor?

(OK I'm about to get real personal)

They do amazing 3D nipple and areola tattooing!

When I had my double mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction - 

my nipples could not be saved and therefore were removed.  

I like to say I looked like Barbie - smooth and colorless.

It is kinda hard to put into words -
but obviously my breasts were not natural looking.

I wanted to look more like I did before cancer.

So...

A few weeks ago my mom and I took a trip to Finksburg.

Cute little town.

We decided to turn it into our annual girl's trip.

We did a ton of sightseeing - along with getting the tattoos!

To say I was nervous would be an understatement!

But Paul, my tattoo artist, was so amazing.

I am extremely grateful for his skills and talent.

When I had my first surgery, then my second, and third, and fourth..

I was never sure if I would ever feel a "wholeness" again.

But, after getting my tattoos - I can honestly say

I finally feel done.

And that feels pretty amazing!


PS My mother wants to make sure everyone knows that she did not get any tattoos :)

New & Exciting

Last week I went with one of my awesome survivor friends to the 
Grand Opening of the new cancer center here in St. George.  

Wow!
It is amazing.
It is huge.
It is beautiful.

It has state-of-the-art radiation oncology, infusion center and imaging department.
Plus the most advanced technologies with the Intermountain Precision Genomics clinical laboratory, Translational Science Center, and satellite office of the Stanford Genome Technology Center.
I am not sure what that all even means, but it sounds pretty awesome.  

My next appointment with my oncology doctor in January will be at this new building.
A $300 million, 900,000-square foot complex.
Too bad a new building doesn't help with keeping doctors on time. 
At least the new waiting room is a lot nicer, more open and brighter.

This whole, brand-new building dedicated for the sole purpose
of helping those diagnosed with cancer.  
Hopefully so they can live longer, better, healthier lives.

Pretty dang amazing and exciting!

Its Been A While

So where have I been?

It was a crazy, busy summer with the kids!
In May we finished up school with assemblies, field trips and parties.
Finished the baseball and softball seasons.
We did movies in the park, splash pads, the library and lot of picnics.
Abby went to girls camp, volleyball clinic, swim lessons and Camp Kesem.
Kaden did a basketball clinic, boredom busters camp, swim lessons and Camp Kesem.
Alyssa took dance classes, nature camp, swim lessons and gymnastics.
And Gage went to summer school and swim lessons, too.
Not to mention, doctors check-ups, eye exams and the dentist.

Plus a Pink Concert in Vegas, a few days camping with my husband's family, a week long trip to the farm to visit with my family, Kaden and I went to the Love Loud concert in SLC,  and then I drove all the kids to see my dad for another whole week, in Colorado. And I can't forget 4 birthday's in there, too.

To say I have been busy would be an understatement.  It was a lot of work but also super fun.
I am a little relieved that school has started and I get a break.
I am hoping things will settle down just a little, at least until basketball season starts.

So that is where I have been - and its good because it doesnt give me time to think about anything else, ya know that thing that is always in the back of my mind.

It's Time

I always feel a little lost this time of year.
I can't seem to choose between two very conflicting emotions.
I want to be happy and celebrate all that I have survived,
Yet I tend to be sad because I am still mourning the old me and her life.

I "look" like the old me, now that my hair is long again.
So I think, everyone assumes that I am "her".
I feel required to think and act and be the old me.
But, she is gone.
I have changed.
I am not her anymore.
Everything about me since "that" day has changed.
And so, four years later, I am still trying to figure out who the new me is.

I used to want this day to quietly slip by.
Don't think about it.
Don't re-live the phone calls.
Don't re-live hearing "the words".
Don't re-live the silence and fears inside my head.

Tuesday
June 17th
2014.
It is not a day I want to remember - any part of it.
But yet is has defined so much of who I am now.

Other cancer friends told me they've felt the same way.
You don't celebrate the day you were diagnosed.
Instead celebrate the day of surgery.
The day "it" was removed.
The day NED was declared - No evidence of disease.
For me that day is almost 6 months after the date I was diagnosed.
Not surprisingly, I struggle with that day, too.
The scary turn of events and the subsequent week I had to spend in the hospital.
My plan as I knew it and had accepted, was gone.

So as June 17th approaches
I am...
I don't know what I am.

I know that a lot of the time my conflicting emotions
are trying to peacefully coexist, but are worlds apart.
I get the feeling from others that I am
not allowed to be sad or dare I say it - depressed,
because I have "beat" cancer.
I feel required to be happy. All. The. Time.
Like I am not allowed to have a bad day.
I like this part of an article written by Judith Basya -

Because to survive breast cancer, the marketing gods will have us believe, is to thrive! Ever visit a breast-cancer website? More smiles than a dentist’s office. The women in colorful head wraps are smiling, their doctors are smiling, a young woman so beautiful she makes you want to go bald is smiling. And the survivors with their exciting new short haircuts, they grin, sun-washed faces like they've just returned from a wellness resort. There’s no fear of recurrence in their eyes, no hint of any long-term issues or complications. This airbrushed reality is held over the rest of us, setting us up to sound bitter or lazy if we aren’t 100% happy as soon as we’ve “beat” the disease (and what does that mean, exactly?).

I also really love this part of a story (you can read the whole thing here - and you should because her story is amazing) written by my cousin after she almost died in a tragic accident at a family created water park.  And while she is not necessarily referring to cancer - I feel much the same.

My body is now covered in stitches and scars.
But there is no therapy for putting your old life together again.

“So are you all healed now?” Well-meaning family and friends ask me.

What does being healed even mean?

Does being healed mean dealing with pain every day? 
Does it mean replaying what happened over and over?
Will the world be able to look past my scars and love me anyway?

It is late at night. 
I pull the blinds aside and stare out into the dark night waiting for the pain in my legs to subside. 
The girl I used to be would be curled up under piles of blankets, sleeping. 
In the morning she would jump out of bed, humming along with her music as she combed her hair. 
That girl would run downstairs, gulp in a quick breakfast and head outdoors. 
That girl had a reckless spirit, a thirst for life, and a yearning to be more. 
That girl was a dreamer, and a romantic.

That girl was naive.

I’m not that girl anymore. 
The truth is, that girl died the moment she jumped off the tower. I rose up in her place. I know too much to ever be her again. That other girl could never know the quiet strength that comes from suffering, the determination to never quit. She didn’t know that the brokenness would shape her into a better person or that scars could be beautiful. That girl didn’t know she would die so that I could live. So that I could be the me I always was. The me I always wanted to be.

It is time.
Time to recognize both dates.
Because each day in its own right deserves to be celebrated.
Instead of hoping for this nightmare to end,
I want to celebrate!
Celebrate and no longer attempt to forget.
Celebrate because since that day,
That moment,
I decided to survive.
Decided to fight,
Fight for my family.

I AM A FOUR YEAR CANCER SURVIVOR!

Where have I been?

Ryan and I finally took a much needed vacation.
Just the two of us.

It's the first one in 4 years.

First one since I was diagnosed.

So off to Hawaii we go!

We spent the first 2 day on Kauai. 

Hiking, kayaking, ziplining, and jumping in pools with waterfalls.

Driving the coast to Waimea Canyon and taking a helicopter tour.

Seeing more waterfalls, the Queens Bath, Kilauea Lighthouse and Makauwahi Caves.

Next we headed to Oahu for 4 days to play and visit one of my best friends.

They were so great to let us stay with them and drive us all over the island to see the sights.

We got to see and take part of a Hukilau, hike Lulumahu Falls and Pali Puka Trail.

Take in views from Diamond Head,  visit Pearl Harbor and the Dole Plantation.

Hang out at Sharks Cove, Haleiwa, eat Matsumoto shave ice and explore downtown Honolulu.

 See beautiful beaches, Moana Falls, the Polynesian Cultural Center, and parasail over Waikiki.

Last we headed to Maui for 2 days.

We drove the whole road to Hana and hiked the Pipiwai Trail, shopped and watched the sun set from the beach in Paia.

Drove to Lahaina to see Banyan Tree Park, go on a whale watching tour, and see the Nakalele blow hole and heart.

The flight home seemed to take forever and I was really sad to leave these beautiful islands behind.

These few pictures only represent about half of what we did and saw and about 3% of my pictures.  I may have taken over 1800 pictures in 10 days.  Yeah it is a personal record.  But hey it's Hawaii - wish I would have taken more!

It has been over a week since we got home and 

I think my body is still in shock with everything we did.  

I am tired. 

But it was so amazing.

Can't wait to go back again and do even more!