I'm Finally Feeling Done

Life was feeling a little bit off lately.

Almost like I don't know what to do or how to feel.

I think it's because I don't know what is next.

For the last 4 years I have alway had some kind

of treatment or surgery on the horizon.

That's how I lived - I just gotta get through this next _______.

Kinda like living paycheck to paycheck.

But for me it was like living surgery to surgery.

Well - I don't have a next.

I think...

I am finally done.

No more treatments, chemo, radiation or surgeries.

I just had my last follow-up doctor's appointment from my surgery 8 months ago.

He has officially released me from his care.

"Call me if you need, but I hope I don't see you anytime soon."

I see my oncologist in January to do some blood work,
and then I won't see him again for 6 months.

After that, I will only see him once a year.

Quite difference from seeing him every 3 weeks.

So I did something the beginning of this year that I didn't think I would ever do -
I scheduled an appointment with a tattoo artist.

This is what I am considering my final step of this journey.

It was at a place called Little Vinnies.

They book up really fast - I got scheduled for October. 

Almost a year wait, but I feel lucky because 

in the past it has been a 2 year waiting list.

Women from all over the world go to this little tattoo parlor,
located in a small town in Maryland called Finksburg.

What is so special about this tattoo parlor?

(OK I'm about to get real personal)

They do amazing 3D nipple and areola tattooing!

When I had my double mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction - 

my nipples could not be saved and therefore were removed.  

I like to say I looked like Barbie - smooth and colorless.

It is kinda hard to put into words -
but obviously my breasts were not natural looking.

I wanted to look more like I did before cancer.

So...

A few weeks ago my mom and I took a trip to Finksburg.

Cute little town.

We decided to turn it into our annual girl's trip.

We did a ton of sightseeing - along with getting the tattoos!

To say I was nervous would be an understatement!

But Paul, my tattoo artist, was so amazing.

I am extremely grateful for his skills and talent.

When I had my first surgery, then my second, and third, and fourth..

I was never sure if I would ever feel a "wholeness" again.

But, after getting my tattoos - I can honestly say

I finally feel done.

And that feels pretty amazing!


PS My mother wants to make sure everyone knows that she did not get any tattoos :)

New & Exciting

Last week I went with one of my awesome survivor friends to the 
Grand Opening of the new cancer center here in St. George.  

Wow!
It is amazing.
It is huge.
It is beautiful.

It has state-of-the-art radiation oncology, infusion center and imaging department.
Plus the most advanced technologies with the Intermountain Precision Genomics clinical laboratory, Translational Science Center, and satellite office of the Stanford Genome Technology Center.
I am not sure what that all even means, but it sounds pretty awesome.  

My next appointment with my oncology doctor in January will be at this new building.
A $300 million, 900,000-square foot complex.
Too bad a new building doesn't help with keeping doctors on time. 
At least the new waiting room is a lot nicer, more open and brighter.

This whole, brand-new building dedicated for the sole purpose
of helping those diagnosed with cancer.  
Hopefully so they can live longer, better, healthier lives.

Pretty dang amazing and exciting!

Its Been A While

So where have I been?

It was a crazy, busy summer with the kids!
In May we finished up school with assemblies, field trips and parties.
Finished the baseball and softball seasons.
We did movies in the park, splash pads, the library and lot of picnics.
Abby went to girls camp, volleyball clinic, swim lessons and Camp Kesem.
Kaden did a basketball clinic, boredom busters camp, swim lessons and Camp Kesem.
Alyssa took dance classes, nature camp, swim lessons and gymnastics.
And Gage went to summer school and swim lessons, too.
Not to mention, doctors check-ups, eye exams and the dentist.

Plus a Pink Concert in Vegas, a few days camping with my husband's family, a week long trip to the farm to visit with my family, Kaden and I went to the Love Loud concert in SLC,  and then I drove all the kids to see my dad for another whole week, in Colorado. And I can't forget 4 birthday's in there, too.

To say I have been busy would be an understatement.  It was a lot of work but also super fun.
I am a little relieved that school has started and I get a break.
I am hoping things will settle down just a little, at least until basketball season starts.

So that is where I have been - and its good because it doesnt give me time to think about anything else, ya know that thing that is always in the back of my mind.

It's Time

I always feel a little lost this time of year.
I can't seem to choose between two very conflicting emotions.
I want to be happy and celebrate all that I have survived,
Yet I tend to be sad because I am still mourning the old me and her life.

I "look" like the old me, now that my hair is long again.
So I think, everyone assumes that I am "her".
I feel required to think and act and be the old me.
But, she is gone.
I have changed.
I am not her anymore.
Everything about me since "that" day has changed.
And so, four years later, I am still trying to figure out who the new me is.

I used to want this day to quietly slip by.
Don't think about it.
Don't re-live the phone calls.
Don't re-live hearing "the words".
Don't re-live the silence and fears inside my head.

Tuesday
June 17th
2014.
It is not a day I want to remember - any part of it.
But yet is has defined so much of who I am now.

Other cancer friends told me they've felt the same way.
You don't celebrate the day you were diagnosed.
Instead celebrate the day of surgery.
The day "it" was removed.
The day NED was declared - No evidence of disease.
For me that day is almost 6 months after the date I was diagnosed.
Not surprisingly, I struggle with that day, too.
The scary turn of events and the subsequent week I had to spend in the hospital.
My plan as I knew it and had accepted, was gone.

So as June 17th approaches
I am...
I don't know what I am.

I know that a lot of the time my conflicting emotions
are trying to peacefully coexist, but are worlds apart.
I get the feeling from others that I am
not allowed to be sad or dare I say it - depressed,
because I have "beat" cancer.
I feel required to be happy. All. The. Time.
Like I am not allowed to have a bad day.
I like this part of an article written by Judith Basya -

Because to survive breast cancer, the marketing gods will have us believe, is to thrive! Ever visit a breast-cancer website? More smiles than a dentist’s office. The women in colorful head wraps are smiling, their doctors are smiling, a young woman so beautiful she makes you want to go bald is smiling. And the survivors with their exciting new short haircuts, they grin, sun-washed faces like they've just returned from a wellness resort. There’s no fear of recurrence in their eyes, no hint of any long-term issues or complications. This airbrushed reality is held over the rest of us, setting us up to sound bitter or lazy if we aren’t 100% happy as soon as we’ve “beat” the disease (and what does that mean, exactly?).

I also really love this part of a story (you can read the whole thing here - and you should because her story is amazing) written by my cousin after she almost died in a tragic accident at a family created water park.  And while she is not necessarily referring to cancer - I feel much the same.

My body is now covered in stitches and scars.
But there is no therapy for putting your old life together again.

“So are you all healed now?” Well-meaning family and friends ask me.

What does being healed even mean?

Does being healed mean dealing with pain every day? 
Does it mean replaying what happened over and over?
Will the world be able to look past my scars and love me anyway?

It is late at night. 
I pull the blinds aside and stare out into the dark night waiting for the pain in my legs to subside. 
The girl I used to be would be curled up under piles of blankets, sleeping. 
In the morning she would jump out of bed, humming along with her music as she combed her hair. 
That girl would run downstairs, gulp in a quick breakfast and head outdoors. 
That girl had a reckless spirit, a thirst for life, and a yearning to be more. 
That girl was a dreamer, and a romantic.

That girl was naive.

I’m not that girl anymore. 
The truth is, that girl died the moment she jumped off the tower. I rose up in her place. I know too much to ever be her again. That other girl could never know the quiet strength that comes from suffering, the determination to never quit. She didn’t know that the brokenness would shape her into a better person or that scars could be beautiful. That girl didn’t know she would die so that I could live. So that I could be the me I always was. The me I always wanted to be.

It is time.
Time to recognize both dates.
Because each day in its own right deserves to be celebrated.
Instead of hoping for this nightmare to end,
I want to celebrate!
Celebrate and no longer attempt to forget.
Celebrate because since that day,
That moment,
I decided to survive.
Decided to fight,
Fight for my family.

I AM A FOUR YEAR CANCER SURVIVOR!

Where have I been?

Ryan and I finally took a much needed vacation.
Just the two of us.

It's the first one in 4 years.

First one since I was diagnosed.

So off to Hawaii we go!

We spent the first 2 day on Kauai. 

Hiking, kayaking, ziplining, and jumping in pools with waterfalls.

Driving the coast to Waimea Canyon and taking a helicopter tour.

Seeing more waterfalls, the Queens Bath, Kilauea Lighthouse and Makauwahi Caves.

Next we headed to Oahu for 4 days to play and visit one of my best friends.

They were so great to let us stay with them and drive us all over the island to see the sights.

We got to see and take part of a Hukilau, hike Lulumahu Falls and Pali Puka Trail.

Take in views from Diamond Head,  visit Pearl Harbor and the Dole Plantation.

Hang out at Sharks Cove, Haleiwa, eat Matsumoto shave ice and explore downtown Honolulu.

 See beautiful beaches, Moana Falls, the Polynesian Cultural Center, and parasail over Waikiki.

Last we headed to Maui for 2 days.

We drove the whole road to Hana and hiked the Pipiwai Trail, shopped and watched the sun set from the beach in Paia.

Drove to Lahaina to see Banyan Tree Park, go on a whale watching tour, and see the Nakalele blow hole and heart.

The flight home seemed to take forever and I was really sad to leave these beautiful islands behind.

These few pictures only represent about half of what we did and saw and about 3% of my pictures.  I may have taken over 1800 pictures in 10 days.  Yeah it is a personal record.  But hey it's Hawaii - wish I would have taken more!

It has been over a week since we got home and 

I think my body is still in shock with everything we did.  

I am tired. 

But it was so amazing.

Can't wait to go back again and do even more!

What’s it like to go through cancer treatment?

Saw this in one of my support groups on Facebook.
Not sure who the author is.
It is long, but kinda funny.  Yet true.
And I didn't edit out the swear words!


What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? 
It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE. 
Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one? 

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “That was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

Happy 2018

I am happy to be done with surgeries.
I am happy to have some time to try to get caught up.
I am happy my kid are all healthy and doing well in school.
I am happy Ryan is still willing to work so hard so I can continue to stay home.
I am happy to only have 3 doctor's appointments (that I know of) this year!!

I am still tired and sore and having a few side effects lingering from surgery last month.
But I am getting back into life and a routine.
Only one more week sleeping in a recliner, wahoo!
Like most of us, I have a huge to-do list.
Mine goes back over three years.
Back to when my life was abruptly put on hold.
My goal this year is to get all caught up.
Pretty lofty goal, but I'm gonna try.
(That and maybe lose some weight and get healthier.)

I saw my oncologist in December and he was happy with
my numbers and everything, so I graduated to the 6 month plan.
I don't see him again until June - my 4 year diagnoses anniversary.
I joke around that I won't know what to do with all my free time.
Because usually it is spend in doctors offices.
I will have 2 more post-op appointments and then
I will be released from my surgeon's care.
It is a freeing feeling but also a very scary one at the same time.

I am super excited for this coming March.
Ryan and I have not been on a vacation,
just the two of us, since 2014.
This year I splurged.
It's all booked.
I am seriously starting to pack now.
I feel like we both so deserve this.
For 10 days we will be living it up in Hawaii.
On Kauai, Oahu and Maui.
And as an added bonus...
I get to visit one of my best friends who lives there.
Words cannot describe how excited I am!

This year is gonna be great!!
Happy 2018