June 17, 2014

I have sat down several times over the past week to write a post for today.
Knowing this date was coming,
I have a lot of thoughts, feelings and mixed emotions,
but I am not really sure what I want to say.

I will always remember this date,
but it is not one I celebrate.

Today is my 2 year cancerversary.
Cancer sucks!
Plain and simple.

But..

I am so grateful that history did not repeat it self today and my thyroid biopsy came back benign.
I am so grateful I just celebrated another birthday.
I am so grateful I am a busy mom running my kids around to various summer activities.
I am so grateful I am planning a birthday party for my little guy.
I am so grateful.

No Official Call Yet...

but look what I pulled up on my health portal.

BEST WORD EVER!!!

I still haven't spoke with the doctor and most of the wording in the comments section I don't understand but right now I am only concerned with that one word.

BENIGN

Thank you everyone for your concern and support. 
I feel like I can breathe easier today.
I still don't know what the doctor will recommend next.
Leave it, watch it, or maybe remove it.
I will save that worry for another day.

Five Samples

Yesterday, I found myself as I did 2 years ago.

In a quiet, white, cold hospital room with strangers.
Friendly and nice, but strangers none the less.
I was given explanations and instructions as to what was going to happen.
What to watch for over the next few days,
and of course the estimated time frame in which I would
receive, "the call" from my doctor.

I changed into a gown - open to the front.

I layed down on a bed with the pillow under my neck,
so as to make my head tilt back.
Better access to my throat.

A tech squirted some gel on my neck,

and started moving the wand to the ultrasound machine around.
Within a few seconds, surprised, she said,
"Yep, there it is. Wow it's big.  That's good for you."

I thought in my mind how in the world could that possibly be good.

"Easier for them to get the biopsies.

Smaller ones are hard.
And since we need to get 5 samples - it is better it is large."

She wiped up the gel and said she would go get

the PA that would be doing the procedure.
The PA came in and introduced himself and a student he was training.
They asked if the student could do the biopsy.
"He has done a few of these."
Not a dozen or dozens or hundreds - a few.
Not very reassuring.

I said okay.

And just like two years ago, they draped a special cover over me

with the one hole - where they need to take the biopsy from.

The first shot is the worst one.

Pain, stabbing and burning feeling.
This is the numbing medication.

Wait a few minutes for it to start working.
I could tell the new tech was nervous.
He was making me more nervous.
He asked me probably 20 times if I was okay.
I am not sure what he wanted me to answer and I know he was trying to be polite.
I wanted to say that no I was not okay.
What would he have done if I would have said no?

Instead I just said yes as I lay there with him sticking needles into my neck.

Don't cough, or swallow or talk - or breathe for that matter.
Weird how when someone tells you not to do something, that is all you can think about.

I could feel as soon as the needle hit the nodule because

it gave some resistance and he had to push the needle harder.
That's when it hurt.
He had a hard time getting one of the samples.
He needed to get cells right from the center of the nodule.
That one hurt too.
By the time he said he was done with the third, I was about in tears.
Some because of the pain, some because of the reality of what was going on.
The new guy was probably a little slow, but I think he did a good job overall.

After the PA left the nurse asked me to say lying down.

She said she wanted to clean me up and didn't want me to freak out.
Apparently I had blood running all down my neck.
She cleaned me up, put a band aid on and told me to take it easy for a few days.
Then she handed me an ice pack, showed me to the exit and told me to have a nice day.
I wish it were that simple.

Funny how I wanted the biopsy to be over.

But now I don't.
I hate the way I feel in the waiting limbo,
like the results of this test
determine my future.

I was told 2-5 days for the call.

Most likely five.
If anything abnormal is found,
it has to be sent for further testing.
Which they do not do here, so add another day.

When I got to the car and finally looked at my neck, it surprised me.
The lovely little band aid already had blood coming out from underneath it,
so I grabbed my emergency kit. 
I put some gauze and another bigger band aid on over it. 
It was so swollen!
It looked like I had a small orange taped to my throat.
And the numbing meds were starting to wear off - and it was so sore!

It hurts to swallow, talk and chew food.

And to bend over and pick up stuff.  Pressure I guess.
Today it is doing a little bit better; at least the swelling has gone down.
I am sure tomorrow it will be even better.

 And now I wait.

Deja Vu

I feel like I am living my life
but from two years ago.
Total deja vu.

I didn't realize it when the hospital called to schedule my thyroid biopsy,
but it is on the same day, June 13th
exactly two years ago,
that I was having my breast biopsy done.

Waiting for the biopsy procedure to be done is hard.
You know something is there - growing, or festering seems a better word.
It is back!
Or is it?
Waiting for the pathology report results is even harder.

I hate sitting around.
I hate the quietness.
My mind starts to wander.
It is usually not so good thoughts.

So I turn on the radio ,
and the TV,
plus I have the kids in all kinds of activities this summer.
Just to keep busy.

Last time the thought of cancer wasn't even something I would have considered.
Now it is all I can think about.
Chances are it is nothing.
But I also know my chances of it being something - are greater.

I feel like I am trying to be two different people.
On one hand I want to be happy - but I am really scared.
I try to stay positive - but the negative thoughts are always right there.
I say everything is ok and smile - but really I just want to scream and cry.
How long can I go on like this?

First it was the headaches.
The fear of the cancer returning and spreading to my brain.
MRI - nothing was found - but I still get the headaches.
Now the fear of another cancer.
More surgery.
More toxins and chemicals.
More medication - this one would be for life.

Is this my future...
Fine for a few months,
then find something.
What is it?
Test, scans, biopsies.
Nope, all clear, you are good.
Repeat...
until it is not ok?