Where Is My Epiphany?

Where Is My Epiphany?
By Nancy Stordahl

Do you ever wonder what great lesson(s) you’re supposed to have learned from cancer?
I have wondered.
This is another cancer expectation that’s out there and continuously perpetuated.
We’re supposed to learn from, and therefore potentially be grateful for, the life “detour” that is cancer are we not?
We are supposed to be transformed into a new and improved version of our former selves, right?
I often read articles about cancer survivors proclaiming to be transformed, enlightened, improved upon, bettered, or whatever.
It seems many have experienced some sort of epiphany.
And I’m happy for those individuals.
 I mean that.
That is not sarcasm.
But it just hasn’t worked out that way for me.
 
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I’m a slow learner or something.
Sometimes I wonder if someone forgot to give me my copy of the, “how to properly do and learn from cancer,” handbook.
That is sarcasm.
After five years, actually after ten years if I count my mother’s cancer experience,
I sometimes feel I should be enlightened about many things by now.
About what I have no idea.
I wish I did.
I really want to know…
  
And what is an epiphany anyway?
In this context, it’s generally defined as a revelation, a sudden manifestation, or realization about the meaning of something; an illuminating discovery.
Well, that has not happened for me.
Sure I have picked up some nuggets of wisdom during the past five years, but a lot, maybe even most of the stuff I have learned from and about cancer, is totally shitty stuff.
In fact, I was thinking about writing a blog post with that exact title – 10 Shitty Things Cancer Has Taught Me – or something like that. There are way more than ten things too.
But I probably shouldn’t publish such a post if I should end up writing it.
Maybe I shouldn’t have even published this one.
Because you know, the positivity police are always out there.
Okay, so I’m being rather sarcastic in this post and cynical and maybe even a little grumpy.
So what?
Sometimes I get weary of all the cancer expectations and cancer language nonsense out there,
much of which makes no sense to me.
And okay, sometimes I get cranky too.
And I sure would like to know…
Where is my epiphany?

I feel this way a lot.
What am I supposed to be leaning from all of this.
Is there something to learn.
Or does it all just suck and it's bad luck.
Is there a reason for all this.
Actually I think I have more questions than ever,
and a lot fewer answers.
At least I hope I have become a more understanding and sympathetic person,
not just more tired one.