Mourning and Denial - these two words seem to contradict each other.
How can you deny something, yet mourn it too?
Somehow, I feel both.
As I was sitting waiting at Instacare on Saturday for over two hours, I started thinking.
Even as I get "better" my life (and my body) will never be the same as it was.
I am mourning a life I will never get back.
I cry and long for my BC (before cancer) me.
My "better" will always consist of doctors, blood tests, scans and the continual fear that
each new symptom could be the cancer returning.
This is hard for me to come to terms with.
I am not sure how anyone can truly come to terms with the cancer world.
Just this has been hard for me to live with.
Most days I just try to keep myself busy with the kids and school and
getting caught up on the things I had to put on hold for the past year.
I find sitting and reflecting is too hard and I can't deal with it right now.
It is easier to somewhat live in denial, pretend for a few moments that everything is how it used to be.
Everything is fine.
I am fine.
Not quite sure how anyone could truly deny everything that has happened.
Honestly my first thought looking back over the last year is Holy Hell - did all that really happen?
A team of doctors, nurses, and specialist have been working over the last year to save my life and rid my body of this cancer.
To get me to this point.
But now that I am there, now what?
They told me what to do, what not to do. What to eat, what not to eat. Use, not use, take, not take.
And sometimes they even told me how and what to feel.
But now... I don't see them as often, every 3-6 months, some even longer.
I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling.
I have heard from others that this time is often more difficult emotionally than when actually going through the treatments.
I still have a hard time believing it all.
So am I in denial?
It is the only way I am coping.
Of course seeing certain things bring the feelings and fears right back to the surface.
My scars, short hair and the numerous medications I have to take daily.
Maybe why my emotions are so raw right now is because I am coming up on a lot of one year marks...
The day I found my tumor and fear set in,
the day I got my diagnosis and life was forever changed,
the first day of chemo that I am still trying to recover from its side effects.
But the one I am trying to focus on most, that brings much need excitement is Gage's First Birthday!
My little baby is turning one.
He has helped me get thought some of my darkest times with his sweet smile, a quick little snuggle and his always on-the-go personality.
I know in time things will get less scary and overwhelming.
Things will get better!
(Why was I at Instacare? I got a small rash a got a few days ago. Just thinking it might be a delayed allergic reaction to a new medication, I wasn't too worried. Then it started to spread and got very painful with lots of small blisters. A call to my oncologist, who urged me to get it looked at, rather than wait to see him on Monday. Well... I have shingles. So, now more medications but hopefully it was caught soon enough and it will only last for a few weeks.)
No comments:
Post a Comment