Waiting for the Next Step

Today is another big treatment day.  Actually as I type this I am sitting here getting chemo.  I am hoping this round goes better then the last.  Round 4 was pretty bad.  For about 3 days I couldn't even get out of bed I was in so much pain.  Ryan and Becky had to watch the kids all day so I could sleep.  I met with my oncologist and he prescribed some more meds so if it is bad again I hope these new pain medications will help.

I also have been feeling weak and before I could get today's treatment they tested my blood to know if I am strong enough and my blood counts are high enough, before they get destroyed with another treatment. They are not!  They think it is still important enough to proceed with the treatment but now I have to come back tomorrow and get a blood transfusion - 2 units or just under 2 pints. That explains why I am so tired and weak. There is only 9 pints in your whole body!

I met with a geneticist last week and sent some blood off to the lab to see if I am a carrier of certain types of cancer genes.  I have cancer on both sides of my family.  I should have results back in about one month, just before my appointment with the doctor who will be doing the surgery.  Right now I am feeling the best option is a double mastectomy. They also talked about doing a hysterectomy.  I will have to wait and see what the team of doctors say is best. I don't enjoy this waiting game.  But knowing is just as hard, too.

Need for Normalcy

The other night after dinner I got up to do the dishes like I have done a hundred times before. 

Of course that was before the cancer. 

Now every time I get up to do something as simple as the dishes, my husband or mother makes me go sit down and rest, and they finish.

Don't get me wrong I love the help and I need the help.

I need the help to do the dishes, and the laundry, and the mopping, dusting, vacuuming.  Help doing the errands, grocery shopping, making dinner, getting the kids ready for school, taking them to doctors appointments, watching them while I get treatments.  Even bringing me wonderful lunches while I am stuck getting chemo!  The list could go on forever.  I need the help.

I guess that is the problem. 

I don't feel needed. 

I need everyone else.

And that, in some ways makes me feel like a failure. 

I am failing at being a good wife and mother.

Some days I am just too tired. Too tired and sick to get out of bed.   Too tired and sick to eat, to do housework and sadly take care of the kids like I would like to. 

I struggle with that. 

I realize cancer is a process. 

A different process for everyone. 

So on the days I feel okay, I want to do the things I did before I got sick.

I don't feel normal.

I have a need for normalcy.

(To Ryan and my mother, Claetra and Becky, my neighbors and friends-
Please know how much I appreciate and truly need your help.  I am learning to accept help and to be humble.  And I am so lucky to have so many of you, even strangers, and your willingness to help.  I love you all.)

Maybe I am sick if I don't take my family up on doing all the chores around the house, who likes doing the dishes and laundry anyways :)

Half and Happy

I am officially half way through treatments, started my fourth round of my six today.

I also had a great appointment with my oncologist a few days ago.  Without doing another MRI, he still estimates that the tumor is about half the original size!!!  It is not as hard and the edges are less defined, which are both good things.

I know with todays treatment in a few days I will feel crappy for 2 weeks but I also feel like there is an end in sight.

A few weeks ago I took Abby with me to get a treatment.  She was interested for a few minutes then she asked if she could read her book.  Good thing it was only the hour treatment and not the 5 hour one :)