Not to be confused with the big 5-0!
Which I am not even close to...
I did however just celebrate the big 4-0.
And my awesome family managed to throw me a surprise party.
I have sat down a number of times to write this blog update and
am struggling to find adequate words.
I am not sure what to say,
but I seem to have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
So forgive me if this is long and a little all-over-the-place.
Last month I was fortunate to be able to attend a
cancer survivor adventure retreat hosted by
Image Reborn and The Little Wellness Place.
Ryan and Michelle, two of my friends from support group,
and I drove to the distant, big city of Leeds.
Just kidding, it is a super small town about 20 minutes away.
There we met up with 9 other survivors - from SLC, Vegas and California -
at this big, beautiful vacation home.
How do I begin to describe this courageous group of women?
We were all so different.
Different backgrounds.
Different ethnicities.
Different lifestyles.
Different careers and hobbies.
Some newly diagnosed, some still in treatment,
some re-diagnosed and one 25 years in remission!!
Yet we all had this 1 thing in common - Breast Cancer.
We were all there trying something new.
Trying to be brave.
Trying to be open to new ideas.
Trying to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves.
It is astonishing to me how this life-altering scary disease
can instantly make you feel so close and connected
to someone you have never met before.
We spent the weekend laughing, meditating, relaxing,
hiking, crying, doing yoga, getting acupuncture,
canyoneering and repelling (in a hailstorm no less),
swapping stories, staying up late, eating delicious food
and well, just being.
The four women, Ally, Rachelle, Amanda and Savannah,
(and the many more behind the scenes I don't know about)
who put this retreat together were incredible! They thought of everything.
From the first moment I walked in and they all hugged me,
I felt accepted and welcomed.
As someone who does not open up and let people in very easily,
I was surprised how quickly I was at ease when I was around them;
there was this immediate bond and trust.
(Which, if you understood how much I hate needles, was very helpful
when Amanda was doing acupuncture on me. PS It didn't hurt!)
They were not just there to plan and organize the days -
they were doing all the activities with us, fixing our meals
and telling us their stories. You could genuinely feel how much
they cared and wanted to be there to help in any way possible.
The theme for the retreat was, "I am."
During a meditation walk, we were asked to complete that sentence.
Some of my answers are personal and will stay with me,
but here are a few of my answers:
I am scared.
I am healing.
I am learning to let go.
I am still angry sometimes.
I am grateful.
I am grateful.
I am capable.
I am hopeful.
I am here.
But my favorite was simply,
I am.
It has been 5 years -
60 months, 261 weeks, 1,825 days, 43800 hours,
2,628,000 minutes and 157,680,000 seconds (but who's counting?)
since I heard those three, life-altering words of "You have cancer."
I think anyone who has been through something traumatic can agree,
some days if feels like yesterday - so raw and full of emotion and
yet other days it feels like a lifetime ago - almost not real because I have come so far.
My hair is longer than when I had to shave it all off - with some purple color added.
My physical scars have all healed.
Looking at me you would never know the battles I have fought.
Mentally, emotionally and physically - and I like it that way.
I no longer "look" like cancer.
This doesn't mean I still don't have struggles or bad days or relapses, I do.
I have battles that are won and sometimes lost - everyday.
But I am so grateful for another day to try again.
To fight and win them.
I meet with my oncologist for the last time in July.
A scary, joyous, terrifying, exciting, and weight-releasing thought.
I have seen this doctor, who I adore, more over the course
of the last 5 years than some of my family members.
I feel confident it will be the shortest and nothing-of-consequence appointment.
I feel I am still NED - no evidence of disease!
I feel this journey is at the end of a chapter.
Same book, just ready to turn the page.
Thank you to those who still follow this blog.
To those who check in on me and ask family how I am doing.
I am so grateful for all the love and support from
family and friends, near and far.
Please know, I really am doing well.
The following words are from a friend's multiple facebook posts.
I don't know her very well but her words are beautiful and so true.
Thanks Cammi for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths.
This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable.
I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days, mad days,
funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days... cancer is every one of these.
It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like you can't keep going - you do.
You just do. You have to.
Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension.
Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely... but the journey is.
The people you meet are. The love that surrounds you is.
I’m not mourning this day..
I’m choosing to recognize the hard work and hard choices
I make every day that got me here.
I feel more compassion. More love. More forgiveness.
More understanding. More peace. More resilience.
More hope. More. More. More.
I have been given more than I could have imagined...
I am truly blessed and know that life is short."
