Cancer has taken another life.
Why?
This morning I found out a friend has passed away.
She was diagnosed a few months after me in 2014.
Except her cancer came back and spread to her brain.
Why?
She fought. She fought hard.
I saw her in July at our monthly support group meeting.
She looked good, happy.
Except the experimental treatments were not working and
the side effects were too great, it was no longer worth it.
She decided to quit all treatments as of a few weeks ago.
Less than a month!
Why?
I hate cancer.
She was amazing.
She had one of the most positive attitudes of anyone I have ever met.
My heart aches for her family - her husband and four children.
Most days I do pretty good.
My last surgery went well and I feel well.
In fact on Sunday we went hiking all day at the Grand Canyon.
I can't say I don't think about cancer - it is alway there, always on my mind.
But days like today - it feels like I hit a wall.
It is all I can think about.
A flood of "why" questions surface,
and I don't have any answers.
Survivors guilt is a complex emotion,
and I haven't figured out how to navigate it yet.
Last month I met a new friend at support group.
She is awesome.
She posted this on facebook - so I stole it from her.
Her words are perfect.
"Finding joy in the journey involves talking about deep down honest truths.
This journey has been filled with every emotion imaginable.
I've had good days, sad days, scared days, great days, laughter days,
mad days, funny days, mean days, painful days, gleeful days...
cancer is every one of these.
It tilts you and pushes you and just when you feel like
you can't keep going - you do. You just do. You have to.
Your self image, self esteem and self worth are tested beyond comprehension.
Cancer isn't glorious, beautiful, wonderful, magical, mystical, lovely...
but the journey is.
The people you meet are.
The love that surrounds you is."
Cammi Higley 9.4.2017 #fightforcammi #pinkforcammi #itsgonnabeokay
